because your not going to get in trouble for spamming...although i do like your avatar
Printable View
because your not going to get in trouble for spamming...although i do like your avatar
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 87 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping upon the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little bastard.
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?"
The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch.
Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?"
The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods.
The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was probably having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and that this would reflect badly on the whole family, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He recommended that she arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
That evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about her visit to the doctor and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.
They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize, a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
Harry won the sixth prize, a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?""
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar...
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a penny.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.
"My husband quietly said, 'That's once.'
"We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.
"Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.'
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.
"I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
A young Aggie stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The Aggie, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the Aggie returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
The pastor replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said... "Oh, $20,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed...
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession," the pastor says. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady says proudly....
"Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
An extremely ugly man was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is his polar opposite. In fact, he may be the most handsome man in town.
The two of them are discussing a beautiful blonde girl sitting at the bar.
The handsome man said, "Boy, I sure would like to get some of that."
The ugly man said, "Go ahead, go for it."
The handsome man said, "There's no way, she won't go with anybody, I've tried many times."
The ugly man said, "I think I could go out with her if I wanted to."
The handsome man laughed and said, "If she won't go out with me, she sure as hell won't go out with you."
Ugly said, "I'll bet you fifty bucks she'll go with me."
Handsome says, "You're on!"
Ugly says, "OK, just leave the money with the bartender and I'll pick it up later."
He walks up to the girl, starts talking and then turned around and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him.
The handsome man couldn't believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, "What happened? What did he say to her?"
The bartender told him, "Well, he didn't say much. He just said it's a nice night for a walk. And then he licked his eyebrows and left."
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner..... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."
A polish couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired,
"What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly,
"We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
One day, an old woman sat in her rocking chair on her front porch. Beside her slept her mangy old hound, Rex.
All of a sudden, a genie appears, startling the old crone. "Old woman," the genie says, "I feel sorry for you sitting here looking old and tired, so I’ve decided to grant you three wishes."
The old woman thinks about it and says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to be a young, beautiful princess."
Poof! The genie turns her into a young, beautiful princess.
The beautiful princess thinks some more and says, "A princess should live in a castle, not a shack like this."
Poof! The shack becomes a huge castle.
The princess thinks a little more, then asks, "Shouldn’t a beautiful princess have a handsome prince?"
The genie looks around and spots Rex. Poof! Rex is transformed into a handsome prince.
Rex, the handsome prince, strolls up to the beautiful princess and kisses her passionately.
She melts in his arms and cries, "Take me Rex! Take me now!"
With a bitter smile, Rex whispers in her ear, "Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered now, bitch!"
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
:lol:Quote:
Originally posted by baccy_man@24 April 2004 - 11:27
http://www.myimgs.com/data/baccyman/..._advert015.jpg
I tihnk that is the first pic you've put into this thread.
its the first time i have tried to . now i know how i might do somemore
http://www.myimgs.com/data/baccyman/..._advert002.jpg
:lol: ........... :x :x :x
Ewww.... :x that is like so wrong... :angry:Quote:
Originally posted by baccy_man@24 April 2004 - 19:40
its the first time i have tried to . now i know how i might do somemore
http://www.myimgs.com/data/baccyman/..._advert002.jpg
The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel. The madam says to her, "Do you have any questions?" The hooker replies, "Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?"
The madam says, "The same as the short ones."
On a Canadian TV show a black comedian was holding forth and explaining how much he and his people missed Bill Clinton.
"Yep" he said "that's right --we really miss Bill Clinton. He was the closest we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number One: He played the sax!
Number Two: He smoked weed!
Number Three: He screwed ugly white women!
And Number Four: Even now - look at him, his wife works and he don't. And he gets a check from the government every month!
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.
"Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha' been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder he walked!"
Keep this in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor!
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of our students?"
Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ...."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?".
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...
"Clean my house."
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud. She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker- looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry. Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
This lovely young girl is sitting in a train carriage on her own when a crusty old bastard comes in, eating a tray of king prawns.
He sits opposite her, shelling his prawns and flicking the shells on the floor. Occasionally he tosses on onto the lady's lap with a sneer.
When he's finished the meal he casually screws up the polystyrene tray he's been eating from and throws it at the girl's face.
The young lady calmly stands up, picks the shells off the floor, puts them back in the tray and throws the whole mess out the window.
Then she walks over to the emergency stop button and thumps it hard.
"You dumb bitch," the dirty old man burps. "That's gonna cost you $100!"
"Yeah," she replied, "but when the police smell your fingers it's gonna cost you 10 years."
A man was having trouble sleeping because of a weird dream he kept having. Finally he followed his wife's advice and went to a psychiatrist.
"Doc, I just have to get some sleep," he said, "but I can't because I keep waking up from this bizarre dream I keep having. Can you please help me?"
"Ok, let's start by having you describe the dream," replies the shrink.
"Well, first I dream that I am a teepee, then I dream I am a wigwam," the man says. "Can you help me figure out my problem?"
The doctor smiles reassuringly and responds, "I know what your problem is. You're two tents."
While making the rounds, Dr. Owens points out an X-Ray to a group of medical students.
"As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Phil Parker, what would you do in a case like this?"
He pondered for a second and answered, "I guess I'd limp, too."
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.
For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately he says, "Leftovers again?!"
i dont get :blink:Quote:
Originally posted by baccy_man@21 April 2004 - 18:39
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.
"My husband quietly said, 'That's once.'
"We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.
"Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.'
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.
"I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
i dont get :blink: [/b][/quote]Quote:
Originally posted by scribblec+2 May 2004 - 18:49--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (scribblec @ 2 May 2004 - 18:49)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@21 April 2004 - 18:39
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.
"My husband quietly said, 'That's once.'
"We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.
"Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.'
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.
"I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
as in, hell do the same to her after her third screw up...
Wow dude change the topic name. This aint a BIT of a laugh :) :lol:
Image Resized
[img]http://www.myimgs.com/data/baccyman/honest_advert012.jpg' width='200' height='120' border='0' alt='click for full size view'>
this will be my last post for a couple of weeks because i am going on holiday
:(Quote:
Originally posted by baccy_man@3 May 2004 - 13:23
Image Resized
Image Resized
[img]http://www.myimgs.com/data/baccyman/honest_advert012.jpg' width='200' height='120' border='0' alt='click for full size view'>
this will be my last post for a couple of weeks because i am going on holiday
have a good time!
keep this thread alive till baccy comes back B)
why is the blonde girl's bellybutton sore?
because her boyfriend is also a blonde :lol: :ph34r: