Sign on condom machine in Men's Room:
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
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Q. What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A. A trip without the kids
Printable View
Sign on condom machine in Men's Room:
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A. A trip without the kids
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3
women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking
the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the
one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with
the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
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LITTLE TONY ON MATHS
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?"asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'," replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?' "
"What's the f****** difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
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LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Masturbate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
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LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,
"Miss Jones, I need to take a p!ss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use
in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please
use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but
if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
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LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the! Word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f****** beautiful!'"
:lol: :lol: :lol: some good jokes there
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
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There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."
The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
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Government Verbosity:
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words
A young Catholic priest was assigned to an inner city parish. He was having a difficult time adjusting to his new and foreign surroundings, with particular difficulty in the area of confession.
One day, after several hours in the confessional he pulled one of the nuns aside and asked her about a word that repeatedly came up.
The priest asked, "Sister Margaret, what's a blow-job?"
And the nun replied, "A hundred bucks."
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While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.
I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines 'spaceship' as an 'imaginary aircraft'."
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A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off...
The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the bartender finally went over to the man and said "I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen."
The man replied by saying I don't think so. I can get any lady that I want.
The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet $50 that he couldn't get the woman to even talk to him.
The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her.
The bartender accepted.
The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door.
The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "Damn that sucks but what happened?"
The man replied with "I dont know. He just stood there lickin his eyebrows."
A farmer and his wife had just woken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"
"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.
"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?"
The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."
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A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere, tubes running over his disease-ridden body like a spider's web, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition.
Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself and wheezed out, "Jim...........my."
The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."
This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, "Scottish."
The second man replied, "Irish."
Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In another couple of days they were at it again.
Jim took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to cough out, "Glasgow."
Paddy whispered back, "Dublin." This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.
"Cancer", said Jim.
"...Sagittarius," replied Paddy.
Lewis walked into my office carrying a strange looking bottle.
"What’s that?" I asked.
"It’s a bizarre product we found."
"What does it do?"
"It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women," he said examining the bottle. "When applied to the...er...umm... clitoris a rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she’s never dreamed of."
"Gimme that stuff!" I said grabbing it out of his hand.
I looked at the directions for use. It said:
Apply liberally with tongue.
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An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY?"...
"She acts like she is asleep every time."
Good advice!!!!
Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. Inline skates and a walker
And the ultimate "Bad Taste" in fashion for the "Older Folks"
14. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
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Revenge Of The Blondes!
The blondes of the world got together and have decided to take revenge on the brunettes!
* * *
WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
* * *
WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.
* * *
WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.
* * *
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.
* * *
WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet?"
* * *
WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
* * *
WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
* * *
WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation
* * *
WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage
* * *
WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price
* * *
WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache
The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking around his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.
One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning, Vicar, how be you and the wife?"
The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also. I left her in bed smoking."
The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to f**k 'em!"
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The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.
"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.
"None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended.
"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl." The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."
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Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm. After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.
The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."
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Morris and a woman are standing side by side waiting for a bus when they get to talking.
"Say," said the woman. "Do you have a hobby?"
"Naturally, a hobby I got, I'm a bee keeper."
"Well, you must live in the country then."
"Nope, right here in the city... in Brooklyn."
"Really? You must have a large house then."
"Nope, apartment."
"Geez, where do you keep'm?"
"A shoe box in my closet."
"A shoe box!? How many bees do you have?"
"Couple thousand, something like that. So who counts?"
"Well, you can't keep a couple thousand bees in a shoe box! They'll die!"
"So f**k'em. I hate bees."
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The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.
"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his chart table.
"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.
"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
A man walks into a bar sits down and say, "Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender says, "Yes, we have mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka."
Man says, "Damn, what the hell is that?"
Bartender says, "Well we call it a 'Pabst Smir'!"
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Buddy Hackett was recently reliving his days as soldier assigned to a motor pool unit. One day he answered the phone.
"Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?" the voice commanded.
"Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half-dozen half-tracks, two armoured personnel carriers, couple of motorcycles, and Fat-Ass Johnson's command Jeep, sir."
"Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No, sir."
"This is Major Johnson, your commander!"
"Uh, sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No, I do not!"
"That's good. Goodbye, Fat-Ass!"
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The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'
Two rednecks were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high.
They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it.!"
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A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back!"
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A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"
"I told you not to peek," whined the groom
One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
"Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."
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After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"
She looked him over, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"
"Yes," replied the tourist.
"Where ah come from in Arkansas, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."
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A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No sh*t?!"
A Florida court ruled that exotic dancers must cover one-third of their buttocks.
Now, if only they could pass the same law for the plumbers, we'd be in neat shape.
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The highly religious, virgin bridegroom entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him, spread-eagle and naked on their bed.
"My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!"
"OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "but I always get the hiccups when I screw in that position."
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EPT (early pregnancy test) -
Blue means not pregnant.
Pink means pregnant.
Brown means you had it in the wrong hole.
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co worker said to reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."
The first asked "What did you do there?"
To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."
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A man goes into the employment office in Los Angeles, there aren't many jobs so it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something.
"Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $500 a day guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."
Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up at the counter.
"I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number E/784/B46."
"Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in Los Angeles. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper. "You see, they supply girls who model underwear and bathing suits, and before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... that sort of thing... and you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels."
"I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job."
The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Fresno."
"Fresno? What do I wanna go to Fresno for?" "Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application line is at the moment!"
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
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There was a limo driver taking a beautiful dark haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat.
The model said, "I don't have time to wait for road service. Could you change it yourself?"
The driver said, "Sure."
He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you need a screwdriver?"
He said "Sure, honey! But, first I have to change this tire."
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the Great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this times with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time. I said, "BRING POSSE!"
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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."
"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"
"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.
"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."
"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."
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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt".
Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt.
The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.
She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt.
He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt".
She then tells the man she wants 'Beautiful butt tattooed', on her ass.
The man tells her, "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt.
She agrees and gets it done.
On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs.
He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE F#CK IS BOB?"!