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who are you talking to when you say stfu manQuote:
Originally posted by 99shassan@20 June 2004 - 15:53
stfu man. I ain't complaining, I am just saying that because I remember this thread starting ages ago. No need to fucking chat to me like that
and talking like what i have not seen any bad mouthing
I aint talking to you. I wasn't fucking bad mouthing you or this post. All I said was that I was suprised that this post lived on for so long. That doesn't mean that I am bad mouthing it. Most posts move on and we forget after a while, other than this one and a few others.
By the way
:lol:Quote:
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?
A: A widow.
i have been keeping this post going because i know a lot of people like to read the jokes . some people might reply some might not. but i know when i went on holiday/vacation . people wanted the jokes. so i have kept it alive.
An old man, walking down the street, saw a small boy sitting on the curb crying. He stopped and asked, "Little boy, why are you crying?"
The little boy said, "I’m crying because I can’t do what the big boys do."
So the old man sat down alongside of him and cried, too.
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TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILD IS TOO OLD FOR BREASTFEEDING
10. He can open your blouse by himself, with one hand.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."
And the number one sign your child is too old to breastfeed:
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."
the way u said OMG this post is still alive was like your dissing it ....Quote:
Originally posted by 99shassan@20 June 2004 - 14:53
stfu man. I ain't complaining, I am just saying that because I remember this thread starting ages ago. No need to fucking chat to me like that
read the way u said it then u will understand.
saying stfu repeatidly has no affect what so ever so stop using it
this post is kept alive because its GOOD nothing shocking there and if u dont like that then you can stfu :)
btw keep up the good work baccy ;)
:lol: :lol: Nice ones :01:Quote:
Originally posted by baccy_man@21 June 2004 - 09:39
(...)
So the old man sat down alongside of him and cried, too.
(...)
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILD IS TOO OLD FOR BREASTFEEDING
(...)
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."
A man playing golf by himself hits a hole in one on the fifth hole, and out pops a genie to offer him one wish. “That’s easy,” he says. “I wish I had a bigger dick.” “It will be so,” says the genie, who then disappears. The guy’s johnson grows longer as he continues playing, until by the 11th hole it’s hanging out of his pants leg. He gets another hole in one, and again the genie appears to offer him a wish. “I keep tripping over my dick, and it’s really annoying,” says the man. “So what is your wish, master?” asks the genie. “I want longer legs.”
There are two sides to every divorce:
Yours and Shithead's.
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Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago"
"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"
Bob says, "I'm f**king Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago."
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now, it's my fault."
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A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water.
He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and painful. His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling."
He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided. On Sunday afternoon he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."
"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it; my maid said to use hot water."
A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political differences. Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table. "You’re lying!" he shouted.
"Of course I’m lying," the other said, "but hear me out."
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There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
Bobby and Judy are getting ready for bed. Judy is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know dear", she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
Bobby studies her intently for a moment, thinking about how to respond, then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for Bobby will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 in St. Paul's Memorial Chapel.
Female friends of the family are invited.
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One day two drunks are standing on the corner of a busy street. One of them is bent over and the other has his finger up the other drunk’s ass.
A cop sees the two of them and runs over to stop what they’re doing. "What the hell are you doing with your finger up his ass?" yells the cop.
"I'm trying to make him puke!" says the drunk.
"Well, you won't make him puke by sticking your finger up his ass!" the cop says.
"I will when I stick it in his mouth", says the drunk
My neighbor's foxy 20 year-old daughter is home from school and I've been feeling a bit dirty for looking at her. She prances around scantily clad chasing her dogs around the yard with youthful exuberance ----------- I just can't take it! She should dress more conservatively! She should stop dolling herself up! She should stay inside!
Or maybe I should just put my binoculars away.
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A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a naked man.
As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that one of the young ladies had sketched the man with an erection.
The professor said, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied, "What other way???"
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When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . . please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
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Miss Figpot was teaching her class math. She asked, "Johnny, if your father earned $100 and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?"
Little Johnny replied, "A heart attack!?"
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
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Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices something unusual.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man came oozing out. He said that he was the Genie and he can grant me a wish. And I said, 'C'mon, no shit.'"
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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
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O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced with Maureen O'Riley. He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give in and go to bed with him. Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.
On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage, O'Casey said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you had gone to bed with me like all the other girls did."
"Experience is the best teacher," Maureen said. "That's how I lost all of my other suitors."
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A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
"Don't know," the woman said.
He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove back to them.
"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."
The Polish couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a sex manual.
"Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"
She agreed. And hour later, she returned, all excited.
"You should see the flavors they have!" she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana. So many they had!"
"What did you get?" he interrupted.
"Tuna."
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Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua??"
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks,"Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about s'ex? Can we finally have s'ex?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "S'ex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing."
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A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said, 'Goats'!"
TWENTY SPECIAL 'SOUTHERNISMS'
1. Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.
2. Only a true Southerner knows how much any fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess" (as in "a mess" of greens).
3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly. (generally pronounced dreckly)
5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
6. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin')
8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far (pronounced "fur")piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
9. Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
10. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
11. A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb. (As in, I was fixin to go over to BettyLou's. Or, we had a huge Christmas dinner with all the fixins.
Or Are you fixin my car next?)
12. Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name, or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
13. Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're IN, not ON, line we talk to everybody!
14. Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
15. True Southerners never refer to only one person as "y'all"... more than three is way more than one, it's "all y'all".
16. True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
17. Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food We recognize milk gravy when we see it, know what to do with it and wonder what the heck you other people eat on your biscuits.
18. When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
19. Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates it contains sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
20. And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
:lol:
A man is walking through the mall with his teen-age son. The son is tossing a quarter up in the air and catching it between his teeth. On one such attempt, the boy fails to clamp down with his teeth and ends up getting the quarter lodged in his throat. As the boy begins to choke and wheeze the father panicks and starts yelling for help. Not to far from the action is a man sitting at a coffee shop reading a paper and drinking his coffee, when he hears the fathers distressed cries he patiently puts down his coffee and folds his paper, he then walks slowly over to the boy and grabs him by the balls and squeezes the shit out of them. The boy coughs up the quarter and the man catches it in his hand and proceeds to walk away with it, sitting back down to his coffee. The amazed father runs over and says “Thank You Sir, you saved my son’s life, are you a Doctor?” “No” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”
Quote:
“No” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”
LMFAO :lol: :lol:
During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation Saturday, Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said he had a plan to increase every Native American's income by $40,000 a year. Senator Kerry refused repeated requests for details of his plan, however. He also told the Apaches that during his Senate career, he has voted YES 9,637 times for every Indian issue ever introduced.
Before his departure, the Apache Tribe presented the Presidential candidate a headdress and a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, Running Eagle.
After Kerry left, tribal officials explained to remaining media reps that Running Eagle is a bird so full of crap it can't fly!
:lol:Quote:
Originally posted by baccy_man@6 July 2004 - 19:34
(...)tribal officials explained to remaining media reps that Running Eagle is a bird so full of crap it can't fly!
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and he opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
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A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local whore house.
He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately.
As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.
Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.
Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.
As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted, "Wasukima!"
All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked.
He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "
She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."
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A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
LOLQuote:
Originally posted by baccy_man@8 July 2004 - 20:24
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked.
He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "
She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."
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A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
“Have you got any kittens going cheap?” Asked a customer in a pet shop.
“No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go “Meow.”
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I recently got a new phone and it came with 3 way conference call capabilities. I wanted to speak to two of my friends at the same time but I just couldn't figure out how to accomplish that. I called one of them and asked her how this three way thing worked.
She replied back with, "Well, you have one guy in your front, one guy in the back and the other guy in your mouth."
My wife and I were in a heated argument that lasted over two hours, neither of us willing to give in. Finally, she looked at me and said: "I only have one thing left to say, Loraina Bobbett only got six months!"
I stared at her, thinking for a few seconds, then replied: "Yeah? Well O.J. got off scott free!"
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A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Hallelujah "Good Lord! He's done it
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which shereplied, "There certainly is My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'!!!"
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA
Well, there's a very simple answer: Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know that we were getting low.The reason for this is purely geographical...... All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, New Mexico, etc.,
All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC!
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When I was in the fifth grade I was taught sex ed by a 65-year-old nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian. Either way, there's been very limited experience handling meat.
---Allen Lindsey
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Big Margaret decided she wanted to become a nurse. Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and change their linens. Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain.
The teacher took Margaret to one side and said, "When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm. We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him."
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc. Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!" With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"
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An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte's Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada. The receptionist stared at him.
"You gotta be in the wrong place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?"
"Ain't this the famous Mustang Ranch? Ain't this where you got forty-five girls ready-n-able?"
The receptionist looked perplexed. "Ready for what?"
"I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get some action."
"How old are you, Pop?" she asked.
"Ninety-two," he replied.
"Ninety-two? Pop, you've HAD it!"
"Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table --
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you.' So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table - eating. Marty asks, 'Son what happened last night?' His son says, 'Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.'
Confused, Marty asks, 'So why is everything in order and so clean and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?' His son replies, 'Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady leave me alone, I'm married.'
A Self-Induced Hangover: $100.00
Broken Furniture: $200.00
Breakfast: $ 10.00
Saying the right thing: Priceless
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Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy." Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."
So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh... my... Gosh... we're going to be millionaires!"
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.
The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"
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Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone, little girl?"
"Because," said the child with great exasperation, "I'm the f**king goalie."
LMFAO :lol: :lol: sounds like a dumb blonde joke :lol:Quote:
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone, little girl?"
"Because," said the child with great exasperation, "I'm the f**king goalie."
A golfer walks up to the next tee with several scratches and a decent amount of blood of his face. After several whispers, one man in the galley asked "what happened to you?" The golfer then stated, "I blew an eagle on the last hole."
A woman's husband dies. He has only $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he still had $20,000 left a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone. The friend says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?" three carats
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New Mint Flavored........
Birth Control Pill
The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. Have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called....
"Pre-dick-a-mints."
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That’s very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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An Attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named 'Wilbur Wright', who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this, .... and, on and on, .... where have you been?"
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, .... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet."They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Woman, don't you ever stop!?"
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A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot.
He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.
The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"
The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
eh? :blink:Quote:
Originally posted by baccy_man@16 July 2004 - 10:43
A woman's husband dies. He has only $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he still had $20,000 left a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone. The friend says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
eh? :blink: [/b][/quote]Quote:
Originally posted by barbarossa+16 July 2004 - 11:48--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (barbarossa @ 16 July 2004 - 11:48)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@16 July 2004 - 10:43
A woman's husband dies. He has only $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he still had $20,000 left a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone. The friend says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
I have a feeling the missing punchline to the joke is:
"Three carats"
:lol:
LMFAO :lol: keep em comin man these are great :) :01:Quote:
When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"
The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ."