lmao :lol:
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lmao :lol:
nice one :lol: :lol:Quote:
Originally posted by baccy_man@19 July 2004 - 20:56
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ."
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
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A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor, checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out." The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well, she's still at the average, and I don't want to discourage her. I'll just keep quiet."
On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2-mile minimum?"
The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."
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A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night." The priest is silent for a moment, then says, "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp."
"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.
"No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that %#@*&^ smirk off your face."
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he was looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure,... if I have to roll my own, so does she!"
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Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
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Two men went golfing. One man took his pipe out of his gold bag and asked the other one if he had a lighter. The other man pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter and handed it to him. The first man said "Where did you get that?"
The second man said, "From my genie." The man pulled a lamp out of his bag and rubbed it. The genie appeared and asked what he wanted. He said a million bucks and the genie went back into the lamp. As soon as he disappeared, a million ducks flew overhead.
"Wait a minute," the first man said, "that's not what you asked for."
The second man said, "My genie has bad hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"
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This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't seen his thing in 15 years".
Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?"
Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said,
"Dye it? What color is it now?"
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A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.
"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."
He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.
The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"
http://img75.photobucket.com/albums/...n/image001.jpg
a picture from iraq
KY Jelly have jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product:
"Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before"
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Things were not going well that Sunday...
The young minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
To further complicate things, he found out that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minuteThe substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Well, here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.
"After the choir's anthem, the minister came to the pulpit and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we face a great challenge today... The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Now, any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.
"At precisely that moment, the quick thinking substitute organist played a stirring rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner!"
And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.
I don't get it. :(Quote:
Originally posted by baccy_man@23 July 2004 - 18:20
KY Jelly have jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product:
"Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before"
(...)
digits as in fingers or if its the y2k thing you didn't understand, the main y2k bug was that computers with only 2 digits storing the year eg 1999 -> 99 would think that 2000 -> 00 was before 99 and do all sorts of stupid things
Corporal Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Corporel Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $250,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.
Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new Ferrari GTO. It is the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly whoooooosssshhhhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.He runs up to the old man and says, "Oh my God! Are you OK? Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers... "Unhook...my...suspenders...from... your.... side view mirror."
The college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.
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There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" He asked.
"No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry.
So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest. "Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
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As the President is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."
The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir."
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A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase it's sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him pick a number from (1) to (10), if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex. The buyer then guessed (8), the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed (2) this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't Billy Ray, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
Y2K isn't a problem, i remember it well. I don't get what a jelly has to do with fingers.Quote:
Originally posted by ilw@23 July 2004 - 20:23
digits as in fingers or if its the y2k thing you didn't understand, the main y2k bug was that computers with only 2 digits storing the year eg 1999 -> 99 would think that 2000 -> 00 was before 99 and do all sorts of stupid things
KY Jelly is a water-based lubricant for use during intercourse and related sexual activities.
This information, combined with your prior knowledge of digits=fingers, and the Y2K-issue, should lead you to a satisfying chuckle. ;)
:P I'm not trying to be a tosser, I just wish I could reply like JPaul sometimes...
Damn him and his witty retorts!!
Edit: Punctuation error
Jelly ? You use jelly for it ? And there are so many hungry people around the world (1 die of starvation each 8 seconds) :P
But, yeah, i get it. :rolleyes:
keep this thread alive. :01:
full of SO many useful jokes. :)
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed her ex-husband at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much."
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A man at a restaurant asks the waiter, “How do you prepare your chickens?
The waiter replies, “Nothing special. We just tell’em they’re gonna die.”
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A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his penis, his partner's toes would rise.
Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still.
Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"
"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"
A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi from one city were taking a car ride to a conference on world religions. On the highway they were in an accident.
First the Priest steps out, makes the sign of the cross and says, "Oh, God, thank you for letting us survive."
Then the Minister crosses himself and says, "Thank you dear Lord for protecting us."
Finally the Rabbi steps out and likewise makes the sign of the cross. The Priest and Minister look at each other.
Baffled, the Minister says, "We thought you didn't believe in that."
To which the Rabbi responds, "Ach no, I was just checking to make sure I have everything -- spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch."
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Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Henry loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Ernie looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They draw straws. Joe picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Joe goes over to Henry's apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Joe declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Joe.
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh? "She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, cutie pie?... ....LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
:o I ain't gonna marry noone, nah ha :ph34r: :lol:Quote:
Originally posted by baccy_man@27 July 2004 - 15:41
(...)YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
:o I ain't gonna marry noone, nah ha :ph34r: :lol: [/b][/quote]Quote:
Originally posted by Autumn Fox+27 July 2004 - 21:50--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Autumn Fox @ 27 July 2004 - 21:50)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@27 July 2004 - 15:41
(...)YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
lol PIMP for life :D
Better that then:
#1 Her friends invading YOUR home (saying no is fatal)
#2 Waking up besides her and noticing how she really looks before make up (saying anything is fatal; after party it is impossible to as both of you look like shit, if the party really good)
#3 Quarreling is fatal, you loose no matter what, even if you win
#4 Getting home drunk and having lipstick on your whatever is fatal
#5 Getting home late to very late makes her pissed
#6 Forgetting about an aniversery of anything makes her "feel forgoten", "useless" or whatever else to play with our guilt and also makes her point it out whenever she needss it, irrelevant wheter it's logical in given situation or not
#7 Answering stupid questions (Am i fat ? I dare you to answer this one honestly)
#8 Mather-in-Law, speaks for it self
#9 Look at a babe and she'll get a aching head for a month or two or a year
#10 And even if she doeasn't she'll buy thing to make her look pretty (If you're not, you'll never be - live with it) and BOOM you're flat-ass broke
#11 The killer phrase: I'm pregnant honney and i'm keeping it (you keep it, i beat it)
Got milk ?
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"
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A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City.
One has a Cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches. Finally the priest goes over to the beggar with the Star of David. "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country! People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you -- especially when you're sittingbeside a beggar who has a Cross! In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar turns to the other one with the cross. "Moishe, look who's here to teach the Levine Brothers about Marketing!"
:lol: :lol: lmao :lol:Quote:
A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them.
"ASSHOLES!" she yelled.......
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by the DixieChicks...
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A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.
"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.
The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..."
"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It's YOUR child!"
:01: down with france :01:Quote:
Originally posted by baccy_man@29 July 2004 - 12:04
A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them.
"ASSHOLES!" she yelled.......
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by the DixieChicks...
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze.
Bou ask Thib, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"
Thib scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so... but it shore would make us even!"
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An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to take out a life insurance policy. “Now supposing your husband were to die,” he said, “what would you get?
“Oh, a Bulldog, I think,” replied the housewife. “They are always good company!”
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Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What did you tell her, that you are only 50?"
"No," he replied, "I told her I was 90."
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A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a young couple was engaged in oral sex.
"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more or less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
"Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!"
"WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"
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An exquisite painting entitled "Home for Lunch" was on display in a Pennsylvania art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion. The artist asked, "Can I help you with this painting?"
One woman replied, "We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"
"I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting," the artist explained. "The three men are not African-Americans. They are Pennsylvania coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."
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"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
" Robert De Niro
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At the prestigious estate auction, bidding was intense and cutthroat. The room was filled with scowling men and women, each determined to exploit any advantage at the expense of another.
Without warning the auctioneer paused the sale and announced,
"A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $3,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the crowd came the cry,
"Three thousand five hundred!"
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A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling , MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling , MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my 'dingaling' so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing so hard and tore up the Warning Ticket.
Scientist revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100 percent of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn’t drive.
“No further testing is planned.
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A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bike," said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. Pulling on the string a few times with no response from the mower, the preacher called the little boy over, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pullin' on that string. It'll come back to ya'!"
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A woman, completely fed up with her husband's AOL obsession finally takes matters into her own hands.
One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor.
She pulls open the jacket and yells, "Time for Super S'ex!"
He ignores her.
So, she repeatedly yells, "Super S'ex! Super S'ex! Super S'ex!"
Finally he replies, "Ok, I'll take the soup."
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Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives. The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy style."
"Doggy style? Did she go for it?"
"I'll say. I sat up and begged while she rolled over and played dead."
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...." "WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" the society matron protested. "Can't you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs?
"You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police officer. "I'll just put it in my report that she died at the stroke of two."
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An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!" before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L'amour! Zis is OK."
"Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!"
Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor.
He picked up the telephone and screamed, "Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!"
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"
:lol: :lol: :lol: Man, remind me never to go to UK :PQuote:
Originally posted by baccy_man@4 August 2004 - 13:44
(...) Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"
:lol: :lol: :lol: Man, remind me never to go to UK :P [/b][/quote]Quote:
Originally posted by Autumn Fox+4 August 2004 - 05:56--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Autumn Fox @ 4 August 2004 - 05:56)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@4 August 2004 - 13:44
(...) Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"
lmfao :lol: :lol: :lol:
The Pharaoh was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping away at the stone tablet. "I have plans . . . to form," the monarch said slowly, "a personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . . .and virile . . . young men."
The chips flew, but then suddenly ceased flying, and the perspiring chiseler looked up inquiringly, "Excuse me, your Majesty, but is virile spelled with one or two testicles?"
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A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $800."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher’s wife. "May I ask who you are?"
the sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
:lol: Ain't he a nice fella :lol:Quote:
Originally posted by baccy_man@6 August 2004 - 11:55
(...)"I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
all heart :D :D :D
After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and advised to get at least eight hours’ sleep a night.
Finally, the patient asked: "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?"
"Just with your wife," responded the doctor. "We don’t want you to get too excited."
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After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused. "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
hahaha lmao :lol:
Patient: Doctor I have a sore throat, I ache, and have a fever.
Doctor: Sounds like some kind of virus.
Patient: Everyone in the office has it.
Doctor: Well then, maybe it’s a staff infection
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This little Rabbi gets on a train. At the next stop a group of Priests get on. After a while one of them goes to the Rabbi and says: "why does everybody think that Jews are smarter than gentiles?"
The Rabbi says that he is just a simple Rabbi and really doesn't want to get involved in this kind of discussion. The Priest insists and says that he wants to test the theory and make a bet.
The Priest says that he will pay the Rabbi $1,000 if the Rabbi asks him a question that he can't answer, and that the Rabbi should pay him $1,000 if he can ask the Rabbi a question that the Rabbi can't answer.
The Rabbi says that he is but a poor Rabbi and only has $50 on him to prepare for Shabbat. The Priest says fine then we'll make it my $1,000 against your $50. The Rabbi sees that he can't get out of this so he agrees but on one condition; that he goes first.
The Priest agrees. The Rabbi asks the priest the following question: What kind of animal has the body of a lion, the face of a gorilla, the ears of a donkey, three sets of wings, hooves on it's front legs and 5 webbed toes on it's rear legs, swims under water and flies in the air?
The priest is taken aback and admits that he doesn't know then asks if he could consult with his fellow clergymen. The Rabbi agrees but after 10 minutes the Priest returns with no answer and hands over to the Rabbi $1,000.
He then asks the Rabbi what kind of animal was it?
The Rabbi says "how should I know"? and gives him $50.00
??????????????????????????????????????Quote:
Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What did you tell her, that you are only 50?"
"No," he replied, "I told her I was 90."
She thinks that he's gonna die soon (As a wife she would take his fortune) Get it ? :lol:Quote:
Originally posted by Keikan@10 August 2004 - 08:28
??????????????????????????????????????Quote:
Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What did you tell her, that you are only 50?"
"No," he replied, "I told her I was 90."
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
I had a simuliar situation <_<Quote:
The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."