Ask Santa what you want for Christmas

Dear Mr Claus, if that is indeed your real name, I am petitioning you at this time not for any personal material gain, though that seems to be the procedure during this ever-adapting pagan celebration, but for the simple will to live.

If it's not too much trouble, I appreciate you're somewhat snowed under at present*, I'd like to sequester a motivation to go on breathing, my belief in your self proving quite inefficient in that area. As a prerequisite, I will be less than satisfied with rainbows, the existence of a benevolent deity, the laughter of little children, your dubious colleague The Easter Bunny, if indeed that is his real name, the tooth fairy, or global nuclear disarmament.

If you are not forthcoming in this request, as an alternative, I will expect you to arrange an appropriate burial when you discover my rotting corpse obstructing my chimney flue upon your all too infrequent visit.

Good will to all men, except Idol, naturally.

*Count them puns, kids.

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Originally Posted by chalice

Dear Mr Claus, if that is indeed your real name, I am petitioning you at this time not for any personal material gain, though that seems to be the procedure during this ever-adapting pagan celebration, but for the simple will to live.

If it's not too much trouble, I appreciate you're somewhat snowed under at present*, I'd like to sequester a motivation to go on breathing, my belief in your self proving quite inefficient in that area. As a prerequisite, I will be less than satisfied with rainbows, the existence of a benevolent deity, the laughter of little children, your dubious colleague The Easter Bunny, if indeed that is his real name, the tooth fairy, or global nuclear disarmament.

If you are not forthcoming in this request, as an alternative, I will expect you to arrange an appropriate burial when you discover my rotting corpse obstructing my chimney flue upon your all too infrequent visit.

Good will to all men, except Idol, naturally.

*Count them puns, kids.

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My plan to go has always been envisioned like a mass stabbing incident while I run the corridors of a shopping mall. A shopping season like we have this time of year would be perfect for me, for it involves less running around (increasing my stab/step ratio). This is because if I'm controlling my own demise, I'll be damn sure to have my satisfaction.

You have our insincere apologies if you find our interception of your request to the Clauses a breach of privacy. We've decided repurpose it as a focal point in our Ask Mary column.

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Dear reader,

Have you considered what your ultimate desires are? There are surely some tasks, dispensaries of justice, achievements, etc. that you'd wish to garner before expiration. The daily rituals of survival and social dynamics tend to interfere with some of the items on our agenda since we are conscious of how we invest our actions and prefer to avoid the long-term consequences.
However, if you're ready to cash out, why not empty the vaults? Why not revel in the previously unattainable bliss during your relatively short commute beyond the walls? After the threshold, there's nothing, there's no deity granting you a retention of experience. Maybe you can even stew in the glory of such accomplishments for a time while reevaluating your destination.

Or don't, we're merely a stupid advice column.

Sincerely yours,
Conjunctive Initiators and Comma Splices.

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Originally Posted by mjmacky

My plan to go has always been envisioned like a mass stabbing incident while I run the corridors of a shopping mall. A shopping season like we have this time of year would be perfect for me, for it involves less running around (increasing my stab/step ratio). This is because if I'm controlling my own demise, I'll be damn sure to have my satisfaction.

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May I suggest the Edmonton Mall. Being that the "police" aren't allowed to have guns, I'm guessing your rampage could continue for like 6 hours non-stop. :happy:

Mary, your circumlocutory omniscience is reason enough to sustain my circulatory system. If you haven't topped yourself already, who am I, with my mundane melodramatics, to even flirt with the option.

I once again fail to claim the life of another.

Egad, guys! I said Santa, not Satan. OMG, Santa was really an anagram?

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Originally Posted by Darth Sushi

Egad, guys! I said Santa, not Satan. OMG, Santa was really an anagram?

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Given that neither exists, permit us the flexibility of swapping out the fictional characters of an incoherent story.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mjmacky

Dear reader,

Have you considered what your ultimate desires are? There are surely some tasks, dispensaries of justice, achievements, etc. that you'd wish to garner before expiration. The daily rituals of survival and social dynamics tend to interfere with some of the items on our agenda since we are conscious of how we invest our actions and prefer to avoid the long-term consequences.
However, if you're ready to cash out, why not empty the vaults? Why not revel in the previously unattainable bliss during your relatively short commute beyond the walls? After the threshold, there's nothing, there's no deity granting you a retention of experience. Maybe you can even stew in the glory of such accomplishments for a time while reevaluating your destination.

Or don't, we're merely a stupid advice column.

Sincerely yours,
Conjunctive Initiators and Comma Splices.

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Santa is operating on the same principle that God does.If he were to give you everything you ask for right off the bat,there would be very little motivation to worship him past that point.

Obviously neither God not Santa were born yesterday.

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Originally Posted by IdolEyes787

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mjmacky

Dear reader,

Have you considered what your ultimate desires are? There are surely some tasks, dispensaries of justice, achievements, etc. that you'd wish to garner before expiration. The daily rituals of survival and social dynamics tend to interfere with some of the items on our agenda since we are conscious of how we invest our actions and prefer to avoid the long-term consequences.
However, if you're ready to cash out, why not empty the vaults? Why not revel in the previously unattainable bliss during your relatively short commute beyond the walls? After the threshold, there's nothing, there's no deity granting you a retention of experience. Maybe you can even stew in the glory of such accomplishments for a time while reevaluating your destination.

Or don't, we're merely a stupid advice column.

Sincerely yours,
Conjunctive Initiators and Comma Splices.

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Santa is operating on the same principle that God does.If he were to give you everything you ask for right off the bat,there would be very little motivation to worship him past that point.

Obviously neither God not Santa were born yesterday.

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You worship Satan Santa. :blink:

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Originally Posted by IdolEyes787

Santa is operating on the same principle that God does.If he were to give you everything you ask for right off the bat,there would be very little motivation to worship him past that point.

Obviously neither God not Santa were born yesterday.

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Those teases, and that other needy fuck, can fuck off. I'll get my own stuff, and it will be on a day I choose and/or succeed.