:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by baccyman
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:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by baccyman
lmfao :lol:Quote:
A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.
She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' ....
....so, here we are!"
I'll admit I may not be the best at oral sex;
but why does my wife keep rubbing my nose in it?
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A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in court!"
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, "OK."
"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"
"Hurt?" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"
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Dear friends,
Many of us over 40 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
lmfao :lol:Quote:
Hurt?" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"
:lol: :angry: :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by baccyman
This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!"
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A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one and mumbles, "This is for the shame."
Then, she downs the second one and mumbles, "This is for the glory."
A short while later, the woman orders two more shots. Again, she downs the first one and mumbles, "This is for the shame."
Then, she downs the second one and mumbles, "This is for the glory."
Finally, the bartender leans over and asks, "Ma'am, I was just wondering... what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework in the nude. And, when I bent over to pick up the vacuum, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender smirked.
"No, that was the glory," replied the woman. "The shame was when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."
"Don't knock masturbation.
It's sex with someone you love."
Woody Alan
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Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse!I grabbed my bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to theHefty bag people!
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The couple had split-up a few months ago but still remained good friends, which worked out nicely since they lived in the same apartment building.
One day the man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.
He said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"
She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.
"Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look, it still recognizes me".
A priest walks by a hooker, who shouts, “Hey, father, I’ll give you a blow job for 10 bucks!” The embarrassed priest then bumps into a nun from his church. “Perhaps you can help me, sister,” he says. “What’s a blow job?” “Ten bucks,” the nun replies. “Same as everywhere else.”
A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."
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The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her eleven year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Victor, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I can’t concentrate," replied the boy. "I’ve fallen in love."
"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "With whom?"
"With you," he answered.
"But Victor," exclaimed the secretly pleased young lady, "don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday; but I don’t want a child."
"Oh, don’t worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I’ll be careful."
NICEQuote:
Originally Posted by baccyman
:cool:
It is with saddest heart that I pass on the following news.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes
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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "well I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said , "My goodness, 5 loaves...it'll get hard."
He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?
"Oh, don’t worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I’ll be careful."
lmfao
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.
"Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone asked.
"I could have," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."
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A couple just got home from their honeymoon, and when the husband went back to his house after work he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home or called.
She replied, "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered, "But it's only been two days. What do you mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."
lol
Looking in the mall for a nightgown, a 40-something lady tried her luck in a store known for its skimpy lingerie. To her delight, however, she found just what she was looking for.
Waiting in the line to pay, she noticed a young woman behind me holding the same item. This confirmed what she suspected all along: despite being nearly 50, she still had a very "with it" attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," she said proudly to the 20-something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my mother."
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A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
What do you call a 350-pound stripper?
Broke!
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A man went to the airline counter. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, do you have reservations?" He replied, "Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway."
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The New Orleans Saints football practice was delayed nearly two hours yesterday after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
The Head Coach, Jim Haslett, immediately suspended practice while New Orleans police and federal investigators were called in to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
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A Vicar and his friend, Colin were playing golf.
Colin misses a 3 foot putt and yells, "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "If you keep saying that then God will punish you."
Next hole Colin misses a 2 foot putt and says "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "ONE more time Colin, and God will punish you!"
Then Colin misses a one foot putt and "GOD DAMN IT!!!MISSED THE BUGGER!"
Suddenly clouds form overhead. God comes down from Heaven and strikes the Vicar dead with a bolt of thunder.
God says, "Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!"
lmfaoQuote:
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by baccyman
The Moron IQ Test
Study each question carefully, then choose the answer that seems "most" correct (TRUE or FALSE) and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name) on the appropriate line at the right.
1. A clitoris is a type of flower ____TRUE____FALSE
2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit ____TRUE____FALSE
3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird ____TRUE____FALSE
4. Vagina - a medical term to describe heart trouble. ____TRUE____FALSE
5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels ____TRUE____FALSE
6. A G-string is a part of a violin ____TRUE____FALSE
7. Semen is another word for sailor ____TRUE____FALSE
8. Anus is the latin word for "yearly" ____TRUE____FALSE
9. Testicles are found on an octopus ____TRUE____FALSE
10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles ____TRUE____FALSE
11. Masturbate is used to catch a large fish ____TRUE____FALSE
12. Kotex is a radio station in Bryan, Tx ____TRUE____FALSE
13. Coitus is a musical instrument ____TRUE____FALSE
14. Fetus is a character on gunsmoke ____TRUE____FALSE
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute ____TRUE____FALSE
16. A condom is an apartment complex ____TRUE____FALSE
17. Orgasm - accompanies the choir at church ____TRUE____FALSE
18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry ____TRUE____FALSE
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle ____TRUE____FALSE
20. Erection - when the Japanese vote for their new government ____TRUE____FALSE
21. A lesbian is a person from the middle east ____TRUE____FALSE
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass ____TRUE____FALSE
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums ____TRUE____FALSE
24. Genitals are people of non-jewish faith ____TRUE____FALSE
25. Douch is the Italian word for "twelve" ____TRUE____FALSE
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend ____TRUE____FALSE
27. Ovaries are a french egg dish made with cheese ____TRUE____FALSE
28. Scrotum is a small planet near Venus ____TRUE____FALSE
29. "Cock" is a bird that crows in the morning ____TRUE____FALSE
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An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
lmfao, read that one in reader's digest once, funny shit
There were several women sitting around talking
at their weekly club meeting. The topic of birth
control came up and they started comparing
methods.
The first woman said that she and her husband
relied on the pill. It had been effective for
them since they had started using it after their
4th child was born.
The second woman said that she used the rhythm
method. But she hated having to watch the
calendar.
The third woman said that she used condoms, but
wished that her husband would remember to buy
them himself.
The fourth woman said that she and her husband
had found the perfect prevention method. They
used the "saucer and pail" method. All ears
were opened at that comment.
She went on to explain.... Her husband is shorter
than she, so he stands on a pail whenever they
make love, and when his eyes get as big as
saucers, she kicks the pail out from underneath
him.
____________________________________________
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90 percent... wedding cake!
____________________________________________
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in
his car.
____________________________________________
A man was screwing his wife and wasn’t enjoying
it, nor was she, their sex life has been horrible
for a while. After sex he leaves and goes for a
walk, on his walk he ponders by the park and
sits on the bench. While he is sitting a guy
comes over and sits down beside him. He looks at
this guy who just sat down by him and asks him
curiously, "Not to be rude, but are you a
leprechaun?" he asked.
The guy said "Well don’t I look like one?"
He replies with "Well if you are, then that
means you have to grant me a wish."
The leprechaun says "Yes I do, what is your
wish?"
"Well me and my wife are having a horrible sex
life, how about you make my dick bigger so it
could be better?"
The leprechaun says "Sure, but for this to happen
you must butt fuck me"
"Okay, I’m okay with that"
He butt fucks him for a while and finishes up he
looks at the man and says "Well when am I gonna
get my bigger dick, a year, a month, a day,
when?"
The leprechaun says "Well sir, how old are you?
He replies "I’m 38"
The little man says "And you still believe in
leprechauns?"
A woman’s husband dies, and she tells the funeral director that she wants him to be buried in a blue suit instead of the black suit he’s wearing. The widow hands him a blank check and leaves. At the wake, she sees her husband wearing a beautiful blue suit and asks how much it cost. “Not a thing,” says the director. “When you left, a corpse wearing a blue suit came in, and he was the same size as your husband. I asked the other widow if she’d be OK having her husband in a black suit, and she said yes.” “That must have been a lot of work to redress two bodies,” says the widow. “Not at all,” replies the director. “I just switched the heads.”
lmfaoQuote:
The little man says "And you still believe in
leprechauns?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by baccyman
:lol:
What part of the human body is called the "yet"?
I don't know either, but in the paper it said this lady got shot and they haven't got the bullet out of her yet!
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Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.
The first Friday the question was, "How many gallons of water is there in the whole world."
No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday, the question was, "How many grains of sand is there in the whole world."
No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday.
So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her.
She said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?"
Little Johnny said, "Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday."
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Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?", she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
lmfao :lol:Quote:
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 57 minutes - who cares what she wants.
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A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
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Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.
Jerry Falwell, a well-known religious protector of 'public decency', was seated next to Bill Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. Clinton asked for a whiskey and soda which were brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
Bill then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."
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Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,... Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!"
silly andy!Quote:
Originally Posted by baccyman
lmfaoQuote:
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
indeed :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by rmthegreat88
Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall. The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!
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A guy is walking through Chinatown in New York. He is fascinated by all the Chinese restaurants, the shops, the signs and banners on all the buildings. He is having the greatest time just walking and looking around. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign that says, "Hans Olafsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olafsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen's Laundry?"
The old man says, "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks, "Who is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How did you get a name like Hans Olafsen?"
The old man replies: "Many years ago, when come to this country, I standing in line at immigration office. Man in front was big Swede. Lady look at him and say 'What your name?' and he say 'Hans Olafsen.' Next, she look at me -- 'What your name?' I say 'Saim Ting.'"
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
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Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."
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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
[QUOTE=baccyman]A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
QUOTE]
:D hehe
[QUOTE=ziggyjuarez]Quote:
Originally Posted by baccyman
quote better :)
An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA
visited the foreign exchange to exchange some
Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000Rps and
after a quick calculation on the calculator, was
given $50.45 with a typical "service" smile and
"Have a nice day!"
The Indian promptly spent this and returned the
next day with another wad of Rupees. He handed the
same cashier 100,000Rps and put his hand out for
his $50.45, instead he received $48.78.
He questiond bitterly Ooh!! vy less ???" Whereupon
the cashier replied "Fluctuations!"
He screamed back "Fluck You Americans!" I'm going
back to Delhi!!!
___________________________________________
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a
drink for himself. The bartender looks at the
monkey and says to the guy, "Hey, we have health
standards here, get that monkey out of here!"
"Aw," says the guy, "He's Okay. I'll pay for any
damages that he makes."
The bartender agrees. After a few minutes, the
monkey jumps from the bar over to the pool table,
grabs the cue ball and swallows it.
"That's it!" the bartender screams, "Get that
monkey out of here!"
"Hey," says the guy, "it's Okay. Look, I'll pay
you for the cue ball and leave."
The guy drops a bill on the bar, gathers his
monkey and leaves.
Two weeks later, the same guy with the same
monkey show up at the same bar. The bartender,
remembering the incident, says, "Listen buddy,
are you going to keep your monkey in line?"
"Yeah," says the guy, "don't worry about any cue
balls."
After a few minutes the monkey runs across the
bar to a bowl of grapes and grabs one. He looks
at the grape for a minute or two and promply
shoves it up his rear end. Sitting there for a
while, he then proceeds to eat the grapes one by
one.
"That has to be the grossest thing I ever saw in
my life," says the bartender.
"Yeah," says the guy, "but after the cue ball,
he began to size everything he eats."
___________________________________________
Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?
Because if they pulled them by their feet, they
would fill up with dirt!
___________________________________________
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up
a young couple who had been sleeping in the
bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband
turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on
the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.
Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he
wants to have sex with you, just go along with it
and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag,
"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he
just told me he thinks you are really cute!"
___________________________________________
Every Sunday 3 boys would go to church and
confess. So the first boy went up to the priest.
The priest says "What have you done bad in your
life son".
The boy responds with "I've swore to my mother."
The priest says" take one sip of holy water."
The second boys goes up to the priest and the
priest says, "What have you done bad in your
life son?"
The boy responds with "I've stolen something".
The priest says take two sips of holy water.
After every sip the third boy is laughing his
head off.
So the third boy goes up to the priest and the
priest says, "What have you done bad in your
life son"
The boy responds with, "I pissed in the holy
water."
lmao :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by cpt_azad
Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.
He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"
She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here." The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No."
After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!"
She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times’ sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. The old sailor asks, “How am I doing?” The prostitute replies, “Well, sailor, you’re doing about three knots.” “Three knots?” he replies, “What’s that supposed to mean?” She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”
That ones great. :lol:Quote:
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."