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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"
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Just for the Ladies!!!
One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-"Well yeah, if that's what they are-I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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A nice young Post Office worker was sorting through her regular mail when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:
GOD, c/o Heaven.
Upon opening the envelope, the enclosed letter told about a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life. She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.
The young lady was deeply touched, and passed the hat among her work mates. She managed to collect $90, and she sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the same way to God, so the young lady opened it. The letter read,
"Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it. However, I received only $90. It must have been those jerks at the post office!"
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how to give someone the elbow
http://www.rejectionline.com/
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An 85 year old man, marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself.
After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.
They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie.
As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."
The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Have I already been here this evening?"
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:lol: :lol: :lol:
if you do swirls it looks like he's doing the harlem shake :lol: :D
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It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the carbohydric content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research, they are proud to present, to the LOVE group, the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent: 12 Carbs
Without her consent: 2187 Carbs
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands: 8 Carbs
With one hand: 12 Carbs
With your teeth: 485 Carbs
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection: 6 Carbs
Without an erection: 4315 Carbs
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris: 8 Carbs
Trying to find the G-Spot: 4092 Carbs
POSITIONS:
Missionary: 12 Carbs
69 lying down: 78 Carbs
69 standing up: 812 Carbs
Wheelbarrow: 216 Carbs
Doggy Style: 326 Carbs
Italian Chandelier: 2912 Carbs ORGASMS:
Real: 112 Carbs
Fake: 1315 Carbs
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging: 18 Carbs
Getting up immediately: 36 Carbs
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately: 816 Carbs
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years: 36 Carbs
30-39 years: 80 Carbs
40-49 years: 124 Carbs
50-59 years: 1972 Carbs
60-69 years: 7916 Carbs
70 and over: Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly: 32 Carbs
In a hurry: 98 Carbs
With her father knocking at the door: 5218 Carbs
With your wife knocking at the door: 13,521 Carbs
PLEASE NOTE: Results may vary
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A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks.
"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor.
"Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."
"Is that going to help me" says the man.
"No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"
