A Bit Of A Laugh

It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Fuck him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.”

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster—one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!” So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: “Henry,” he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse. Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, “Stop, Henry!! You’ll kill yourself!!” But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.” “Shhhhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard’s getting closer.”

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk and passed out. Out of respect for the lady, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?” “Well,” said the officer. “I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole.”

A man and his wife go to the site of their honeymoon for their 25th anniversary. As the couple is reflecting on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?” The husband replies, “All I wanted to do was fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry.” “What are you thinking now?” the wife asks as she undresses. The husband quickly replies: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”

A motorcycle cop pulled over a Lamborghini Diablo after it had run a stop sign. “May I see your driver’s license and registration please.” “What’s the problem, officer?” “You just ran that stop sign back there.” “Oh come on, pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me.” “Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.” “You gotta be kidding me!” “It’s no joke, sir.” “Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.” “That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop, and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and—” “You’ve got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?” “Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately.” “I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.” The policeman had enough. “Sir, I can do better than that.” He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. “Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?”

After having their eleventh child, a Missouri couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to the doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to light a cherry bomb, put it in a beer can, hold the can up to his ear and then count to 10. The Ozark said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how pukiding a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.” “Trust me,” said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: “1…2…3…4…5…” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

Bill Clinton trips and falls over a bridge railing while jogging one morning. Before the Secret Service guys can get to him, three kids who are fishing pull him out of the water below. He’s so grateful, he offers the kids whatever they want. The first kid shouts, “I want to go to Disneyland with my friends!” and Bill replies, “No problem. I’ll take you on Air Force One.” The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans,” to which Bill says, “I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!” The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!” Clinton, looking perplexed, utters: “But, son, you don’t look like you’re handicapped.” The kid answers, “I will be once my dad finds out I saved your sorry ass from drowning.”

The owner of a horse farm receives a call from a friend, who informs him of a midget with a speech impediment who's interested in buying a horse. The owner has him send the midget over. The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. “A female horth,” replies the midget. So the owner shows him one. “Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?” So the owners picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s mouth. “Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?” Promptly, the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s eyes. “Ok, what about the eerth?” At this point, the owner is becoming aggravated, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears. “OK, finally, can I see her twat?” With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s vagina, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget laments, “Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd?”

ARE YOU THE WEAKEST LINK?


Below are 4 questions. Answer them instantly. You can't take your time.
No pencil or paper! OK? Let's find out just how smart and clever you really are.
Ready? .......... GO!!!



FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the
second person. What position are you in?










ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for
the first question. (You know you took too much time.)




SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?








ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!





THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head
only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?









ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't
believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right.........


LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?











ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NO NO! Of course not. The fifth daughter's
name is Mary. Read the question again.


You ARE the WEAKEST LINK!! Pass this along to someone else who could stand a little fun and a challenge today

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, “OK jerk, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person…because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large…all in the name of humor.” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

A man is walking through the mall with his teen-age son. The son is tossing a quarter up in the air and catching it between his teeth. On one such attempt, the boy fails to clamp down with his teeth and ends up getting the quarter lodged in his throat. As the boy begins to choke and wheeze the father panicks and starts yelling for help. Not to far from the action is a man sitting at a coffee shop reading a paper and drinking his coffee, when he hears the fathers distressed cries he patiently puts down his coffee and folds his paper, he then walks slowly over to the boy and grabs him by the balls and squeezes the shit out of them. The boy coughs up the quarter and the man catches it in his hand and proceeds to walk away with it, sitting back down to his coffee. The amazed father runs over and says “Thank You Sir, you saved my son’s life, are you a Doctor?” “No” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A Billionaire."

After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.

He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.

After standing for some time, the doctor asked "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just stand there."

A while later, the lawyer asked "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just stand there."

As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked "Why are we standing here?"

"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer’s. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair. After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?" "It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?"

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about “pussy,” and their “bitch.” The boy, confused by this, approaches his mother. “Mom, what’s a pussy?” The mother, startled by this, thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says “Son, that is a pussy.” The son then asks “What’s a bitch?” The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says “Son, this is a bitch.” The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says “Dad, what’s a pussy?” The father doesn’t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out a copy of Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says “Son, this is a pussy!” The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks “Then, what is a bitch?” The dad replies, “Everything outside the circle.”

A U.S. Customs agent and her dog are on a plane. After it takes off, the agent turns to the dog and commands, “Sniff.” The K-9 trots down the aisle and sits next to a teenager. It then returns to the woman and puts one paw on her arm. “Is that dog checking for drugs?” asks a man sitting beside her. “Yes he is. He just found someone carrying marijuana,” she explains. “We’ll arrest him upon arrival.” “Wow!” replies the man. She again commands the dog to sniff. It trots back down the aisle and moments later races back and craps all over the place. “What happened?” yells the man. The agent screams, “He just found a bomb!”

A father is passing by his son’s college late one night on a business trip and decides to stop in for a visit. Arriving at what he thinks is the fraternity house, he knocks on the front door. “Whaddaya want?” a voice calls down from the second floor. “Does Jimmy Duncan live here?” the father calls up. “Yup,” replies the voice. “Just leave him on the porch like usual.”

A man walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with another man. “What are you doing?” he yells. “See?” the wife says to her lover. “I told you he was dumb.”

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and
she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand
and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''? The man
replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice
try.'' The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her
lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you
think I am?'' The man replies, ''You're 37, right?'' The lady
says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.'' After lunch, she gets on
the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He
replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my
hand down her panties.'' So, quietly and quickly, she lets him
do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' The
lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' The old man
replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what exactly do those symbolize?"

The man replied with a smirk on his face, "They're Carols".

Three black women were about to go on vacation. As they were getting ready to drive to the airport, one of them says, “I’m gonna wear red pants, so that if the plane crashes, they’ll be sure to find me.” The second one says, “That’s a good idea. I’m gonna wear yellow pants, so that if the plane crashes, they’ll be sure to find me.” The third one says, “I’m not going to wear any pants at all.” To which the other two respond, “Why would you not wear any pants at all?” “Don’t you know the first thing they look for in a plane crash?” the third one replies. “The black box!”

“My God! What happened to you?” the bartender asks Sean as he hobbles in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. “I got in a tiff with Riley,” he replies. “Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the bartender says. “He must have had a weapon in his hand.” “That he did. A shovel it was.” “Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?” “Aye, that I did—Mrs. Riley’s left tit,” Sean laments. “And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways. After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man. "Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it." "Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor. "We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

Man Who Loved Baked Beans


Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their
sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex
felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at
first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased
for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to
go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the
Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again
slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom
waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still
nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British
Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found
the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven
days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 23rd floor of a building. While they were eating lunch, the Irishman shrieked, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.” The Mexican opened his lunchbox and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time, I’m going to jump, too.” The redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping, too.” The very next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and promptly jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his, sees a Burrito, and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch box, sees the Bologna and also jumps to his death. At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife cries, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again.” The Mexican’s wife also weeps, and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.” Finally, the attentions of all in the room turn toward the redneck’s wife, who protests, “Hey, don’t look at me! That dumbass makes his own lunch.”

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms. “Yes we do,” he says. “Would you like to buy some?” “No,” she replies. “But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?”

A medical student decided to study sexual dysfunction as his specialty. On his first day in the hospital, the chief doctor decided to show him around and to start teaching his new student about this area of medicine. As part of the training, the chief doctor decided to bring the student around to all the patients in his wing so the student could see firsthand some of the diseases. The doctor opened the first patient’s door and the student was stunned to see the patient masturbating The doctor explained that this patient had a rare sexual dysfunction that if he didn’t have an orgasm every five minutes, he would go into traumatic shock. The chief doctor proceeded to show the medical student different patients and carefully explained each problem so the student would understand well. Finally they came upon another room and when the doctor opened the door, the student was shocked to see a nurse performing oral sex on the patient. Confused, the student asked, “What disease does this man have?” “Oh,” said the doctor, “He has the same problem as the first patient, he just has a better health plan.”

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.” Bill replied, “well, what’s the difference between the two?” St. Peter said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.” “Fine, but where should I go first?” “I’ll leave that up to you.” “Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.” So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. “This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven!” “Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. “Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter. “Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going?” he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?” “That was a screen saver,” replied St. Peter.

This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls
out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of
those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your
asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't
have one." A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the
boy asks, "Can I have on of those?"

Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have
one." Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for
food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the
little boy says "I just won $50,000"

Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to
touch your asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa. "Then go fuck
yourself!"

One fine summer day, a man took his 6 year-old daughter to the
beach. This was in fact a nude beach. So, they got undressed and
laid on the beach towel. The little girl saw the man's penis and
asked, "Daddy, what's that?" He replied, "That's my bird. Don't
touch my bird. He'll get mad." So, the little girl left the bird
alone and started to make a sand castle. Time goes by and she
realizes that her daddy was sleeping. The bird was staring right
at her, so she decides to go and pet it. The man wakes up in the
hospital. He asks his daughter, "What happened? Why am I in the
hospital?" She says, "Well, I saw your lonely bird just sitting
there, and I wanted to pet it. So I did. The next thing I knew,
he stood up and spit all over me! So, I burned its nest, smashed
its eggs, and broke its neck."

The Gambler's Son


Little Johnny's dad was a retired gambler. Having picked up a
few of his old man's bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and
everything, and he was good at it. Eventually, it became such a
problem, that Johnny's teacher called his father to discuss it.
After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.

One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You're not
really blonde," he said. "I've seen your bush and it's pitch
black, you dye your hair." "I most certainly do not," she
replied. "I bet you ten bucks you do," he said. She saw that
this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for
all the other children to leave the class and took off her
pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the
hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked
sullenly out of the room.

A few hours later Johnny's teacher called his father. "I think I
finally taught him a lesson," she said. "The hell you have," his
father said angrily. "This morning he bet me $50 he'd see your
c**t before the end of the day."

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a
fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly dude. He asks
the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's
a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that
someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night
he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again,
only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches
her.

"Is it true you're a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..."

"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front
door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked
outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on
hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He
leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's
ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual
experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at
the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he
immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs..."

"How much is that?"

"$500"

"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy
looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash
for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me,
it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He
leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly
faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself
until she shows up.

"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for
some pussy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the
street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You
see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own
Manhattan!"

Fucking Tree


A guy looking for a job finds that a certain mill is hiring
lumberjacks. So he goes out to the mill and talks to the foreman
who tells him all about the job, pay, and housing for all of the
lumberjacks. Everything looks perfect and the guy is ready to go
to work at once.

But when he was walking around he noticed that there weren't any
women around. So he pulls the foreman aside and asks him what
everyone does for sex. The foreman laughs and brings him over to
this big tree that has a hole in it. "This is the fucking tree.
Whenever you get horny, come over and put your dick in the hole
and fuck away. Trust me, it does the trick every time." The man
thinks it's kind of odd, but takes the job anyway.

The days go by and soon the man gets horny. He thinks about
taking it out on the tree, but it still seems weird to him, so
he goes to his room and jacks off. A week passes and the guy
gets hornier and hornier and jacking off isn't enough for him.
So finally he figures, "What the hell," and sneaks over to the
fucking tree in the middle of the night, whips out his dick and
puts it in the hole. To his surprise, it feels great! Soon
enough he starts to fuck the shit out of it. After a great
session he goes back to bed with a big smile.

The next day after a hard day of work, he makes another visit to
the tree and it's even better this time. Again he pounds away at
the tree. He can't believe how amazing the tree is and wonders
what kind of magic tree they have. Things just couldn't get
better for him.

The following day, he runs to the tree after work, hurriedly
takes out his dick and puts it into the sweet warm fucking tree.
The tree just gets better and better everyday. He goes at it
again, and afterwards can hardly walk.

The next day all he can think about is going back to the fucking
tree. Every tree that he cuts down is one less tree in his way
of the fucking tree. Finally the day is done, and he takes off
for the tree. Pulls out his dick, grabs hold of the tree, and
shoves it in. Nothing. The man is shocked. He tries again, but
still nothing. Feeling very frustrated, the man storms off to
the foreman. "What's wrong with the fucking tree? I've been
there three times already and it's been better each time, but
today, I ran up to it, stuck my dick in and nothing happened.
What the hell happened?" The foreman thinks for a second and
then says, "Oh yeah, I know, didn't they tell you? Today's your
day in the tree."

I must say that you gave me pleasent time with thoes jokes. Wonderful post, and i hope that you wil continue on posting.

Great jokes baccy_man! :lol: :lol:

Keep 'em coming.

thanks guy's glad that you are enjoying the jokes . nice to know that people are reading them . here's another

How they killed the "Texas Eel"


Little Johnny was about 10 years old and curious as only a boy
should be. He had been hearing a lot about courting from other
boys so he asked his mother how it was done. She told him to
hide behind the curtains some night and watch his sister and her
boyfriend. So Johnny did and this is what happened (or at least
his version).

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then turned out
all the lights except the blue one, then he started kissing her,
and for some reason he put his hand inside her blouse. She
started giggling and ooing, then he put his hand up her skirt,
when he did this she began to moan and sigh.

Then she slowly moved to the other end of the couch till she was
lying down. I think she had a backache, then he rolled over and
unzipped his pants and pulled out a Texas Eel. I don't know what
it was doing in there but it was 8" long and 2" wide. He held it
in his hands so it wouldn't get away. Sis tried to help him, so
she got a tight grip on it, she spread her legs far apart and
stuck this eel between her legs and got a good scissors hold on
it. He helped by lying on top of Sis to keep the eel from moving.

The eel put up a hell of a fight though. Sis squalled and her
boyfriend nearly up set the couch. For a minute there I thought
the damn thing was getting away but Sis grabbed it just as it
was slipping out and stuck it back in.

Soon they both gave a large sigh and stopped moving. First they
let the eel move but it didn't. It tried to get away but her
boyfriend got up and the thing was dead. It just hung there
limber as a hot water bottle and its end was dripping. Sis and
her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started
kissing and loving again and by God if that damn thing didn't
come back to life again, so the battle started again.

Well it sure was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time
they really killed the eel. I saw her boyfriend pull its skin
off and flush it down the toilet."

Once upon a time there was a young red neck by the name of Jack.
Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmers
wife and their daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw
Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become
aroused for the first time and shocked, ran to find the farmer
to explain this strange phenomena.

Upon finding the farmer he proceded to drop his trousers and
whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the
farmer.
"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"
"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.
"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."
"But i don't like it!" cried Jack.
"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into
the milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll
go down quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and
saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting
hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked
up two handfulls of shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.
"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.
"Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make
it go down."
"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the
ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

So he did. Both handfulls.

The Top 10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be A Dick


10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:

1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the
house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman
liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini
that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a
point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for
yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to
the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and
waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me," our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing
how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her
breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I
could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla was about to deck
our poor guy when his wife appeared and stopped him. She pulled
him inside and they discussed the offer for a few moments.
Finally, they returned and asked our friend to step inside.

"OK," the husband said gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you
can kiss my wife's tits."

At this the wife unbuttoned her blouse, and the twin objects of
desire hung free at last. Our man took one in each hand, and
proceeded to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This
went on for several minutes, until the husband got annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growled.

"I can't," replied our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demanded the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."