a bit of a laugh pt 2

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and
pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw
a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was
a strong smell liquor on her breath. He said,
"I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to
determine if you are under the influence of
alcohol."

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back
to the police car. After a couple of minutes,
he returned to her car and said, "It looks like
you've had a couple of stiff ones."

She replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

lol

A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:
Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
I Love you.

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table, eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,

"LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"



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An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table,when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife..... "Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

Quote:

---

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

---

lmfao

Dear Abby,
"I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I think she's the one for me. There's just one problem - I can't remember from our first date if she told me she had T.B. or V.D. What should I do?" Signed, Confused

Dear Confused,
"If she coughs, f**k her."



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A lady goes into a store and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

Her money was refunded..



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A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.

She exclaimed "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

A lady places a personal ad in the paper that reads, “Looking for a man who won’t beat me, won’t run out on me, and is good in bed.” Days later her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs. “I’m here in response to your personal ad,” he says. “I don’t have arms, so I can’t beat you. And I don’t have legs, so I can’t run out on you.” “But I need a good lover too,” she replies. “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Why are women always upset with Men?
Men are one of the few things that can gain 8 inches in 5 minutes and lose it all 3 minutes later.



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I was at a party this weekend and a jokester, stifling a laugh said, "Listen to this: One day, Moskowitz and Finkelstein were going to..."
At this, my Jewish friend, Al Cohen said, "Moskowitz and Finkelstein! Moskowitz and Finkelstein! Always two Jews! Why do they have to be Jewish? Can’t you tell the joke with other nationalities involved? Why don’t you make them Chinese for a change?"

The jokester, sobered and embarrassed, said, "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend. Here’s the joke: One day, Hong-lee Yang and Mao-chen Foo were going to the synagogue to attend the bar mitzvah of Hong-lee Yang’s nephew..."



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When I introduced my friend Wes to the proprietor of my favorite Chinese restaurant, the owner greeted him enthusiastically, saying, "Welcome, West."
Wes shook his hand and smiled despite the mispronounced name.

All through the meal, the proprietor checked to make sure "West" was pleased. Finally, Wes corrected him, "It's Wes, not West."

"West, not West?" asked the confused man.

Wes smiled patiently and nodded. "Yes," he said, "Wes, no 't'."

"Ah," said the proprietor and walked away with our teapot.

Quote:

---

The jokester, sobered and embarrassed, said, "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend. Here’s the joke: One day, Hong-lee Yang and Mao-chen Foo were going to the synagogue to attend the bar mitzvah of Hong-lee Yang’s nephew..."

---

lol

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

A lady places a personal ad in the paper that reads, “Looking for a man who won’t beat me, won’t run out on me, and is good in bed.” Days later her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs. “I’m here in response to your personal ad,” he says. “I don’t have arms, so I can’t beat you. And I don’t have legs, so I can’t run out on you.” “But I need a good lover too,” she replies. “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

---

lmfao :lol: :lol: :lol:

There were 2 Irishmen walking along looking for jobs, when they came across a sign saying:
TREE FELLERS WANTED.

"Ohhh, to be sure, to be sure!" said one, "what a shame there’s only the two of us!"



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A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"



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Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky, my darling," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess."

"There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep."

"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

lol

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."



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What Gender is it ?
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.

For example:

1) Ziploc bags – Male
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers – Female
They are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tyre – Male
because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon – Male
because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female
because they're soft,squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page – Female
because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway – Male
because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass – Female
because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer – Male
because it hasn't changed much over the last 5000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female.
Yeah, you thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied, "Thrown."



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Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing? "
Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."



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Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

Quote:

---

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

---

lmfao

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

---

:devil: wow! what a stupid man

stupid? yes. (that includes girl)

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"



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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"


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Two Jewish businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch suggested by one of them.
One of them says, "I have a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could let you have it for three thousand dollars."

The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I can’t even squeeze in an end table. So I’m going to buy an elephant?"

The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand..."

"Oh," said the other, "now you’re talking!"

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.

"What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."



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The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons
joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.

"You’re all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."

"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we’re all bastards?"

'Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too."

hahahahahaha

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

"my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
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'Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too."

---

:ohmy: Hilarious :w00t:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

Two Jewish businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch suggested by one of them.
One of them says, "I have a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could let you have it for three thousand dollars."

The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I can’t even squeeze in an end table. So I’m going to buy an elephant?"

The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand..."

"Oh," said the other, "now you’re talking!"

---

dont get :(

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by scribblec

dont get :(

---

They're saying Jewish men are cheap :P

ya it means (joke, i'm not in anyway implying jewish ppl are like this) that they will buy anything that's a bargain or a deal.

What is the difference between a condom and
coffins?

They both hold stiffs but one's coming and one's
going.

_______________________________________________________________

A Blonde and a Brunette are sitting at a bar
enjoying a can of beer. The Brunette said:

"I smell sperm!"

The Blonde said

"Sorry, I Burped!"
________________________________________________________________

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started
talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said
there would be no excuses for not showing up
tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or
an immediate family member's death. One smart
ass, male student said, "What about extreme
sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom
burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher
glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse,
you can use your other hand to write."

________________________________________________________________

What is a blonde's favorite surgery?

A SLIPADICTOME!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

What is the difference between a condom and
coffins?

They both hold stiffs but one's coming and one's
going.

---

:lol:

Quote:

---

A Blonde and a Brunette are sitting at a bar
enjoying a can of beer. The Brunette said:

"I smell sperm!"

The Blonde said

"Sorry, I Burped!"

---

:lol: :lol:

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"



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Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve's widow.`"

She said, "`No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

A hunter spots a small brown bear and shoots it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around, and is face to face with a big black bear. “You’ve got two choices,” says the bear. “I maul you, or we have sex.” The guy opts to take it from the bear. After recovering for two weeks, the pissed-off hunter searches out and shoots the big black bear. Just then he feels another tap on his shoulder, and turns to see a 10-foot grizzly standing over him. “Admit it,” says the bear. “You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

A hunter spots a small brown bear and shoots it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around, and is face to face with a big black bear. “You’ve got two choices,” says the bear. “I maul you, or we have sex.” The guy opts to take it from the bear. After recovering for two weeks, the pissed-off hunter searches out and shoots the big black bear. Just then he feels another tap on his shoulder, and turns to see a 10-foot grizzly standing over him. “Admit it,” says the bear. “You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

---

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :sick: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

A hunter spots a small brown bear and shoots it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around, and is face to face with a big black bear. “You’ve got two choices,” says the bear. “I maul you, or we have sex.” The guy opts to take it from the bear. After recovering for two weeks, the pissed-off hunter searches out and shoots the big black bear. Just then he feels another tap on his shoulder, and turns to see a 10-foot grizzly standing over him. “Admit it,” says the bear. “You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

---

:huh: I dont get it.

the bear thinks that he likes it up the butt

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, he said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom



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Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Quote:

---

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, he said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom

---

lmfao :lol:

The newlywed at the bridge table was bemoaning the fact that she couldn't have children. They gathered around and assured her that she would, but she insisted
" Oh no, I just can't swallow that stuff."



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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the waterfloated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"........... pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

[QUOTE=baccyman]Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, he said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom
QUOTE]
:lol: pwned

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"



"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

---

:lol: dirty :shifty:

Quote:

---

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the waterfloated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"........... pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

---

:lol:

Lewis bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and Lewis was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested he notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again Lewis couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.



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These three women were roommates. One night they had all gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.
The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.

"Now THAT'S a good date!"

lmfao