a bit of a laugh pt 2

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."



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There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why, Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

---

:shifty: i would like some of this juice :D

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"



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Jacob Levy had finished his sales rounds for the week and had done very well. So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a brothel.
The Madam said, "Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15."

Jacob decided to spend $10.

More than thirty years later, Jacob's wife died and he felt lonely, so once again he went to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a loud reunion. Whereupon a huge man of about 30 appeared and called out, "Mom, is this guy bothering you?"

"No, no," said the Madam, "in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father."

"What?" said John, 'this little Jewish guy's my father?"

To which Jacob responded, "Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been a Chinaman."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

---

does have truth to it :D

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

---

non comprende,

lol

oh its just dawned on me, but i would never pronounce secola like that + everyone just calls it pepsi.

weak

This Blond was flying to Tahiti and noticed that
the First Class section wasn't full, so she went
to first class for a seat. An attendant saw what
happened and went to her and told her that First
Class was for first class ticketed passengers
only, and she would have to return to coach. The
Blond said "I'm Blond, I'm beautiful, I'm flying
to Tahiti and I'm not moving!".

The attendant went up front and told her partner
what happened. The second attendant said "Let me
try" and went to the Blond and told her that
first class was for first class passengers only,
and since she only had a coach ticket, she would
have to return to coach. The Blonde said "I'm
Blond, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to Tahiti and
I'm not moving!".

The two attendants stewed over this and their
supervisor asked what the problem was. They told
the supervisor the problem and the supervisor
said "I'll handle it". The supervisor talked to
the Blond a bit, then leaned over and whispered
in her ear. The Blond said "Oh! I didn't know
that." and got up and went back into coach.

The two attendants asked the supervisor how she
did it, and the supervisor said "It was nothing,
I just told her that First Class didn't go to
Tahiti".
_____________________________________________________________

Q: What's the difference between a blonde an a
bowling ball?

A: You can only fit three fingers in a bowling
ball.
_________________________________________________________________


Three sisters wanted to get married, but their
parents couldn't afford it so they had it on the
same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a
honeymoon so they stayed home. That night the
mother got up becuse she couldn't sleep. When she
went by her oldest daughter's room she heard
screaming. Then she went to her second daughters
room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her
youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear
anything. So the next morning when the men left
the mother asked her oldest daughter. "Why were
you screaming last night?" The daughter said
"Mom you always told me if something hurt I
should scream."

"Thats true." She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laghing last night?"

The daughter said "Mom you always said that if
something tickled you should laugh."

"Thats also true." Then the mother looked at her
youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your
room last night?"

The youngest daughter said "Mom you always told
me I should never talk with my mouth full."

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry."

So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?

The first motel she could find!



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Here's A Concise Sex Manual For Computer Experts:
1. Be user friendly.

2. Take bytes. (nibbles..hehe)

3. Fondle joystick.

4. Spread sheet.

5. Fix surge protector.

6. Activate hardware.

7. Insert disc, all the way. (yes! yes!)

8. Do it 'til it megabytes.

9. Back it up.

10. Eject floppy.

The residents of a southern town keep falling down a deep hole in the middle of the sidewalk on Main Street and always end up dying because the nearest hospital is 40 miles away. The mayor calls a town meeting to address the issue and asks for suggestions. “We need our own hospital!” says one local. “That’s beyond our budget,” answers the mayor. “Anyone else?” “I gots a perfect idea,” says another hick. “Just dig the hole next to the hospital.”

Quote:

---

The youngest daughter said "Mom you always told
me I should never talk with my mouth full."

---

:lol:

Quote:

---

Jacob Levy had finished his sales rounds for the week and had done very well. So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a brothel.
The Madam said, "Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15."

Jacob decided to spend $10.

More than thirty years later, Jacob's wife died and he felt lonely, so once again he went to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a loud reunion. Whereupon a huge man of about 30 appeared and called out, "Mom, is this guy bothering you?"

"No, no," said the Madam, "in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father."

"What?" said John, 'this little Jewish guy's my father?"

To which Jacob responded, "Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been a Chinaman."

---

LMFAO

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel ummm,... *physically* attracted to my horse!"

"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY?"



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For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"

Quote:

---

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"

---

:lol: good one

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do.
The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she’d seen.

"What can I help you with?" he asked.

She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?"

"Ma’am," he answered, "that there is called a penis."

"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"

The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the penis."

"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?"

He paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband, ma’am, but on me, they’re called the cheeks of my ass."



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Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

I know I'm really good in bed
because women always ask me if there's any possible way I could make it last longer.



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Pretty soon, the little ones start asking questions:
Embarrassing ones at that. I remember when my kids asked me, "Where do babies come from."

I tried not to lie to them. I told them the straight facts:

"Carelessness... Pure carelessness."



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A Jewish lady goes into a furniture store owned by a Jewish man. She picks out a lamp she likes and brings it to the counter.
She finds out the price is $69.95 and says, "Oy, down the street at Goldstein's these are only $49.95!"

The owner asks why she doesn't buy it from Goldstein's, and she says, "Because they just ran out of them."

The owner throws up his hands and says, "Ha! When I'm out of them, they're only $29.95!"

Quote:

---

A Jewish lady goes into a furniture store owned by a Jewish man. She picks out a lamp she likes and brings it to the counter.
She finds out the price is $69.95 and says, "Oy, down the street at Goldstein's these are only $49.95!"

The owner asks why she doesn't buy it from Goldstein's, and she says, "Because they just ran out of them."

The owner throws up his hands and says, "Ha! When I'm out of them, they're only $29.95!"

---

lol

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, where upon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them............."



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A old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you."

As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink too."

The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Alright" says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too."

The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Comin' right up" the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"

The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"

:lol:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ilw

non comprende,

---

pope secola

pepsi cola

at least thats what i think

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children.

The judge asked for his side of the story, too.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied:

"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"



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Two sisters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.
Finally the 12-year-old said to her 8-year-old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!"



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How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Quote:

---

So they laid off the night watchman.

---

:lol:

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen.
There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,

"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"

Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."

Well, what the hell? She does it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

"So, so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all five inches longer."



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The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She glanced down and said, "Nice design...does it also come in men's sizes?"

:lol:
Thanks baccy
i just posted this http://www.filesharingtalk.com/vb3/n90335-.html
as a result of one of your jokes.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by zedaxax

:lol:
Thanks baccy
i just posted this http://www.filesharingtalk.com/vb3/n90335-.html
as a result of one of your jokes.

---

your welcome

Jerry’s at the urinal in an airport restroom when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, "Hey, buddy–can you help me out here?" Though he feels uneasy, Jerry bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, and reaches in to pull out the guy’s penis. Much to his horror, it’s hideous. It’s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful. Imagining the kudos he’ll get on Judgment Day, Jerry holds the man’s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man’s pants and zips him up. The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." "No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask—What the hell’s wrong with your johnson?" The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it."

Quote:

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The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it."

---

:lol: :sick: :lol: :lol:

An elderly lady phoned Verizon to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always barked right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog barked loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.

2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and then urinate on the ground.

4. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.



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Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said walking up to her, "but in a little while, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars. I would like to have someone to share it with. Will you come home with me?"

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.



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A middle aged couple is watching TV when an Evangalist comes on and promises to heal the sick.
"If only you would pray with him and place your right hand in the air and place your left hand on the afflicted area."

So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch.

Seeing this, his wife says, "Gee honey, he said 'heal the sick', not raise the dead!"

The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming.
When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!"

The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."



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An old man and his wife go boating on the river one day. When they reach a fork in the river, the man asks his wife, "Up or down?"
His wife immediately takes off all her clothes and they spend the rest of the afternoon making love in the boat.

The next week they again go boating on the river. When they reach the fork in the river, the man again asks his wife, "Up or down?" But this time she merely answers, "Down."

Puzzled, the man asks her why she took off all her clothes and made love to him when he asked her the same question before.

She replies that last week she wasn't wearing her hearing aid and thought he said "F*ck or drown."

Quote:

---

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

---

:lol: ownag3

One Greek living in America says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly."



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Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.
"Who was it?" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"

"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein."

"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"

"No, not him."

"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"

"No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..."

Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"



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The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
"Okay, honey," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".

"Today and Tomorrow," she replied.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go on and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her buds were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was overjoyed. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Quote:

---

The blonde was overjoyed. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

---

:lol:

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?"
"Well," says the psychiatrist, "maybe she didn’t get your telegram."



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Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true.
He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.

LETTER 4:

Dear God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset.

He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5:

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

Quote:

---

LETTER 5:

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

---

LMFAO dude that's fuckin hilarious :lol: :lol:

An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling young man?" he asked.
"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm a Census Taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me,
I have no idea."



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An old man wonders away from a nursing home.
It is getting evening time and he comes up upon a bar that looked friendly enough.

He no sooner got inside when a young lady came up to him and asks, "Would you like a drink?"

"I sure would," he responded.

Then she asked him if he wanted to dance, and he quickly agreed.

They were not on the dance floor very long and she whispered in his ear, "Would you like to go home with me?"

"Wow, that's the best deal yet, sure would!"

The next morning he went to confession and said to the priest, "I am 85 years old, and I spent last night with a 28 year old woman."

The priest thought about it and decided that an 85 year old man couldn't have done much damage and said, "Go say 10 Hail Marys."

The man responded, "I can't do that, I am Jewish."

To which the priest responded, "Then what are you doing talking to me?"

"Are you kidding?" replied the old man. "I am 85, and I'm telling everybody I can!"

lmao

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"


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LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.

MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.



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"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Quote:

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"But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

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teh bitch! :dry: :lol:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cpt_azad

teh bitch! :dry: :lol:

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He he....that one could actually work!

/me stores the idea for future use :devil:

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!
The results of this study are pretty interesting:

· 85% of women think their ass is too big...

· 10% of women think their ass is too little...

· The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway



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John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."

"Maybe," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."



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You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.