hahahaha :lol:
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hahahaha :lol:
A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
"That customer is going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his manager. "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back?" roared the manager... "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"
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An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
A friend of mine used alcohol as a substitute for women. You know what happened?
He got his penis stuck in the neck of the bottle!
The Facts:
From The Kinsey Report - "Sexual Behavior In The Human Male"
98% of males (including married men) admitted to masturbating.
Average: 3 times per week. (and... 85% admitted premarital sex; 50% admitted adultery)
Current population - 132,090,689 Men in the United States
ASSUMPTIONS:
1. It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate.
LET'S DO THE NUMBERS:
132,090,689 men in the United States X 3 wack-offs/week = 396,272,067 wack-offs/week
6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24hours/day X 7days/week = 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week
396,272,067 wack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week = 393,127 wack-offs/ten-minute-period
393,127 wack-offs/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor) = 385,265 wack-offs/ten-minute-period
CONCLUSION:
At any given moment (on average), 385,265 men in the United States are wacking-off.
So, be careful who you shake hands with!
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Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener.
The first Newfie turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."
"I promise I won't," says the Newfie. "Just hurry!"
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie. Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches.
Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not freaking going!"
A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, "Run...run!"
The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!"
A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya."
The next batter's count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, "He didn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk proud!"
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A newly wed couple had just had an argument coming home from the reception. Driving along in silence they pass a farm with all kinds of animals on it. Breaking the silence, the husband asks: "Relatives?" and without missing a beat the wife replies: "Yes, in-laws."
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A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she should have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
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An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.
Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!
The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:
"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist!"
Joe was in the corner bar having a few when his friend Phil dropped in and joined him. It didn't take long for Phil to notice a string hanging out of the back of Joe's shirt collar that his friend kept tugging on.
Finally Phil couldn't contain his curiousity, and asked, "What the hell's that string for?"
"Two weeks ago I had a date with that dish, Linda," Joe explained, "and when I got her into the sack, would you believe I couldn't get it up? Made me so mad that I tied this string to my unit, and every time I think of how it let me down, I pull the string and make it kiss my ass."
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What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a DOG?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries.
The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store.
"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."
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A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.
He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.
The saleslady said, "May I help you, sir?"
When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?" He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."
John receives a phone call.
"Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "hmmm... Susan? You say we met 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been?"
Susan: "Well, I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you really ARE a good sport!"
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On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home. Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.
When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that expensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.
He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH, you DIDN'T?!?"
The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying cattle ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's gossip.
"Doctor Wilson, how is the Smith baby?"
"Well, the child was born without a penis."
"Oh my goodness!" said the gossip, and with a smile on her face, she turned to head into town to spread the news.
Before she could take off to spread the news, the doctor quickly grabbed her arm, bent his head over and whispered in her ear, "But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 20 years!"
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A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave.
On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face here! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition.
"Prostrate trouble," said the first doctor.
"Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one", said the other.
They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man.
"Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors," said one, "and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?"
"Well", said the man, "all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas."
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Being from the North and now living in the south I had a great adjustment to make/ believe me I'm still adjusting..........
In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the following list should be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State. i.e. Texas, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, Arkansas, Missouri, etc.
1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lincoln Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way!
3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw that Bambi movie, too. We got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis fly rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle . We have a name for those little 13-inch Trout you fish for: BAIT !
6. Pull your pants up! You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
9. Tea -- yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and it's sweet. You want it hot? Set it in the sun. You want it unsweetened? Add a lot of water.
10. You bring Coke into our house! It better be brown, bubbly, and served over ice!
11. You have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar Combine that we only use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. We eat supper (dinner? we ate at noon) together with our families. We pray before we eat--yeah, even breakfast. We go to church on Sundays, and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
14. We don't do "hurry up" real well.
15. Greens -- yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with fatback or bacon and sometimes eat them with a smoked hog jowl.
16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at the bait shop.
17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 95 goes two ways. Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat -- go to Kansas . That would be I-70 West.
19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
20. So every person in every pickup truck waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. You understand the concept?
21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -- and, if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -His name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.
23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your darn Navigator under them, and they'll leave a souvenir on your hood.
24. You burn an American Flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens
to be her husband's best friend. They make love
for hours, and afterwards, while they're just
laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the
woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over at her and listens, only
hearing her side of the conversation...(She is
speaking in a cheery voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called.
Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you.
That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks,
"Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me
all about the wonderful time he's having on his
fishing trip with you."
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Three bulls are all living on a farm very
happily. One day the farmer came home and stated
that he had just bought a new bull at the auction
and that he would be arriving soon. Well this
would disrupt the society that the bulls had
established amongst themselves, so they decided
to have a meeting.
The first bull says, "I have been here 5 years
and we have established a nice community of
cattle. We have divided the 100 cows between us
so that each of us are happy. I am not going to
give this new guy any of my cows."
The second bull says, "I have been here 3 years
and I have me 50 cows. I feel that I can take
care of these cows just fine. I am not giving
this new guy any of my cows. He is going to have
to get his own."
The third bull says, "I have only been here a
year, but you guys have treated me really well.
You were nice enough to give me 10 of your cows
and for that I am really thankful to you guys.
Since I only have 10 cows I am not going to give
this new guy any of my cows. He is on his own."
With it decided that no cows were going to be
given to the new bull, the meeting was adjourned
just as a tractor-trailer pulled onto the farm.
The driver dropped the ramp of the trailer to let
this new bull out. Off the truck came the biggest
bull anyone had ever seen. The ramp bent
underneath the massive weight of this bull. He
weighed in at 4700 pounds. The ground shook with
every step he took.
The first bull looked at the other two and said,
"Well on second thought, we might as well be
neighborly to this new guy. He looks like he is
pretty cool. I think I will let him have a some
of my cows."
The second bull says, "You know, on second
thought I really don't think I can take care of
all 50 of my cows. I think I will let this new
guy have some. He looks nice enough."
The first and the second bull look at the third
bull. The third bull has his head down and he is
scraping the ground fixing to charge the new
bull.
The first bull says, "Now son, I know you are
still young and you want to protect your cows,
but are you sure your 10 cows are worth you
losing your life?"
The third bull says, "Oh no, he can have ALL my
cows. I am just making sure he knows I am a
bull!"
A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary school for when a situation like this arose -- repeat your last point. Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.
He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, and the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
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Father O'Malley walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
"Sure, Father, and who wouldn't?" was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father O'Malley walked up to Murphy and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "C'mon lad... I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to Heaven?"
Murphy said, "Oh, when I die, yes. Sure, I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
"Ah, yes, divorce...,
From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet!"
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A young man and woman come to a doctor's office and say, "Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?"
The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the young man gets on top of his girlfriend, and they have sex.
After observing them, the doctor says, "Yes, you're having sex properly. That will be forty dollars."
They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day.
On the fifth visit the doctor says, "Why do you keep on coming back? I told you you're having sex properly."
The young man explains, "The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Blue Cross/Blue Shield."
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Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing...
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
The man in the blue J.C. Penny's suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!"
The man would not reach up.
Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.
"Friend," he asked with compassion, "What is your profession?"
"I am an income tax collector," gasped the man in the blue suit.
"Please sir, take my hand", said Ben Bebo.
The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *Give* you anything."
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A man suspects his wife is having an affair, so he goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. Not having much money he chooses a male parrot with one leg.
He takes the bird home and ties its penis to the perch in the bird cage to allow it to stand.
"When I go to work you keep an eye on my wife and tell me what happens" the man told his parrot.
When the man returns from work later that day, he asks the parrot if anything happened when he was out.
"Well" said the parrot, "the milkman came to the door".
"Then?" demanded the man.
"Your wife went to the door."
"Then??"
"She let him in."
"Then what?"
"They started making out in the living room."
"Then what?" cried the exasperated man.
"Then I got a hard-on and fell off the perch!"
This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, Father? What do you think my reward might be?"
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."
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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.
He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
When the power mower broke and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the 'message' never sank in. Finally, I thought of a clever way to make my point.
When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the drive-way." (The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite a while before all the casts come off.)
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Stanley comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put her place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk. Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform.
So he tries it on and it's a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd Street in New York, dated January 17th, 1942.
He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket from 55 years ago. Weeks later, Stanley happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was. He can't believe his good luck; the shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old man.
The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years. "Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop. Stanley is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence!
Herman comes back. "I've got your shoes. They'll be done tomorrow!"
John Presscot and David Blunkett are out on the piss one night, anyway they get to the bar, order 2 pints of bitter and start chatting away about the economy. This bloke enters the pub and orders a pint and then lifts up Blunketts dog's tail has a look and buggers off.
John goes to David and says
"What was all that about"
David replies
"Leave it will you John i want a quiet night out".
10 minutes later another bloke comes into the bar, orders a pint, lifts the dog's tail, has a look and then he clears off.
John goes to David
" David thats twice now whats going on"
David says back in turn
"John i wanted a quiet night out, a couple of pints, a curry then back home. Will you just leave it out"
15 minutes pass by then another guy comes into the bar, orders a pint and lifts the dog's tail but before he has a look Presscot lands a right hook, lays him out, picks him up and screams
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
and the guy says
" A kid outside said there's a dog in here with 2 arseholes"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too."
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
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It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.
She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
He couldn't count his own age in his head. :frusty:Quote:
Originally Posted by baccyman
:lol:
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on 'Science & Nature.' Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
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Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so. The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her privates.
After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"
"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."
Redneck Sexual IQ Test
A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
Fetus is a character on Gun smoke. True or False
An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
Mattel recently announced the release of 11 limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Memphis market:
Germantown Barbie
This princess Barbie is sold only at Wolfchase Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with an augmented version.
Bartlett Barbie
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
Orange Mound Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
Houston Levee Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
Horn Lake Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
River Bluff Barbie
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available.
Frayser Barbie
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Raleigh Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
Midtown Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Overton Square Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
Whitehaven Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Southaven Barbie
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always hunting.
Overton Park Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.
:lol:Quote:
Whitehaven Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
I think this is possable in real life :lol:Quote:
Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor...
"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."
sounds like someone i know would do :lol:Quote:
A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive...
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
A man went to visit his friend and sees a strange
machine in the middle of his living room. He
asks, "What is that?" His friend replies, "It is
a sex machine." " Oh, how does it work?" " Just
stick your dick in, insert a quarter, and it will
jerk you off!" So the guy immediately wants to
try it. The friend says ok and tells him he is
going to get a drink of water from the kitchen
while he does his thing.
Suddenly the friend hears a loud shriek. He runs
back and asks, "What's the matter? Did you insert
a quarter?" The guy says, "I didn’t have a
quarter so I inserted a dime!"
"But for a dime, it only sharpens pencils!"
replies the friend.
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A small white guy went into an elevator, when he
got in he noticed a huge black guy standing next
to him. The big black guy looked down upon the
small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound
right ball, Turner Brown." The small guy fainted!
The huge black dude picked up the little white
guy and brought him to, slapping his face and
shaking him. He asked the small white guy,
"What's wrong?" Our petite friend said, "Excuse
me, but what did you say?" The black giant
looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound
right ball, my name is Turner Brown" The white
guy sighed, "Oh, thank God! I thought you said
'Turn around!!'"
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A South African, an Aussie & a Londoner were
sitting in a pub having a pint of beer.
The South African grabs his beer, downs it,
tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and
shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the
other two, puts the gun on the bar and says "In
Souff Efrika we haf so many glasses we nefer drink
out of the same glass twice."
The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass
into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots
the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and
proclaims, "Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand
which makes glass really cheap so we too never
drink out of the same glass twice."
The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes
his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up
the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South
African and says "In London we have so many South
Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink
with the same ones twice"
Why is it difficult to find men who are
sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
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A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex
aids shop and asked in a quavering voice,
"Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes
h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little
old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh,
yes ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands
about 10 inches apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave
an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that
size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then
asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is
b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about
that big."
"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes ma'am, one of them does."
"Well th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
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One day Peggy Sue was in bed with her lover when
her husband came home unexpectedly. She told her
lover to get in the corner and she quickly
proceeded to rub baby oil all over him and then
sprinkle talcum powder on him. "Stay right here
and don't move a muscle until I tell you it's
ok," she told him.
A few minutes later her husband came walking into
the room. "What the heck is this in the corner?"
he asks her.
"Oh that's a new statue I just bought," she
replied. "The Smith's have one just like it in
their bedroom and I liked it so much I went out
and bought one for myself."
Nothing more was said about the statue, not even
when they finally got ready and went to bed.
About 2:00 in the morning, the husband got up and
went downstairs and got himself a sandwich and a
glass of milk. When he got back up to the
bedroom, he handed the sandwich & milk to the
statue and said "Here, you might as well have
this. I spent 3 days at the Smith's house and
nobody so much as offered me a glass of water."
This makes no sence.I would have said "This is a shitty statue and threw it out the fucking window :lol:Quote:
One day Peggy Sue was in bed with her lover ...
nobody so much as offered me a glass of water."
An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a little boy walking up with something under his arm. "What you got there?" the old man asks. "Chicken wire," says the little boy. "What you doing with that?" "Catching chickens." "You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire," replies the old man. Later that day the little boy walks by with a long strand of chicken wire full of chickens. The next day the old man is sitting on his porch as the same little boy approaches with something in his hand. "What you got there?" he asks. "Duct tape." "Let me guess, you off to catch some ducks? Well, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape." Later that afternoon, the little boy walks by the porch with a long strand of duct tape full of ducks. The next morning the old man watches as the little boy approaches with a fishing rod with something dangling on the end. "What you got on the end of that line boy?" asks the old man. "Pussywillow." The old man jumps up and yells, "Hold on, I’ll get my hat."
:lol:
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels (front rolls) on your way to the altar.
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A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.
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A man went to his doctor and said, "I want to be castrated."
"What?" said the doctor, "Surely you don't want that."
"Yes," said the man, "that's what I want; I insist."
So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anaesthetized, and CHWOP! off they came.
The next day, he woke up in a double room and, wanting to be sociable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for.
"Oh, I was circumcised," the man said.
"Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!"
"Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!"
lol
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."
"I object!" the defense said again.
"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."
The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."
So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know!"
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "what makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!"
A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing through the native quarter and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.
As the service ended, the Chinese rabbi stood at the door greeting his congregants. When our Brooklyn friend came up, the rabbi said, "You Jew?"
"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.
"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."
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Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready. The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc. Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!" With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"
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A man went to the doctor to hopefully find out why he couldn't sleep at night. He was so tired from so many nights without getting in a single wink.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
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There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"
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Has your girlfriend/wife put on a little weight over the Easter period? If so, encourage her to walk 3 miles in the morning and then 3 miles again in the evening.
By the end of the week the cow will be 42 miles away.
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A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."
A merchant sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor, noting that the previous bill hadn't been paid, told the collections manager to check it. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
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80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
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Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."
At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling, "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!"
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Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class, remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."
The next day the regular teacher is still sick. When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks him what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard, and then says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
"That's right," she coaxed.
Then, after a few seconds Johnny eyes light up and he says, "Is it Mrs. Crunt?"