a bit of a laugh pt 2

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and two feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.





Then the husband grabbed his wife, flung open the door to the cage, threw her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

:lol: hhahahah

glad to see that you are still reading the jokes cpt_azad.

ya, i just comment anymore (too lazy lol) but keep em up, only reason i even visit FST anymore.

A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?"
"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.

"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.

"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."



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Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but got no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder--still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?!"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...

"We're down here."

strippers :01:

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went golfing.



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Three men are sitting at a bar and each admits that he thinks his wife is cheating on him.
"I found a hammer and a tool belt under my bed yesterday," the first man says. "I think my wife is sleeping with a carpenter."

"Well, I found a medical bag under my bed yesterday," the second man admits. "I think my wife is sleeping with a doctor."

"That's nothing," the third man says. "When I came home yesterday, I found a cowboy under my bed.I think my wife is screwing a horse."

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried to give her some warm milk, but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you go to the Lord."

She raised herself in bed and with a pious look on her face said,

"Don't sell that cow."



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A lawyer, a doctor, and a redneck were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the lawyer top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the lawyer was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?"
The lawyer explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the doctor walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the doctor explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread. Finally the redneck appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

"Well," said the redneck, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

An older friend and I went to eat breakfast at a restaurant where the "Seniors' Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good" my friend said; "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte" the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My friend asked incredulously. "Then, I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?" asked the waitress.

She replied, "Raw and in the shell."

She took the two eggs home.



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The Chicken, the Horse and the Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, there's a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?" An eager student gave his answer.

"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."



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Dear Diary, For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring , Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Super, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with! it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?" An eager student gave his answer.

"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

---

Amen :lol:

The leggy, long haired blonde columnist lawyer named Ann was wearing a mini-skirt and a low-cut blouse. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain.
All night long a dweebish looking guy named Ray, kept eyeing her. They made eye contact and he came over to her.

Slightly embarrassed as Ray gazed all over her, she held up her airplane charm and said, "Oh, you like my airplane?"

"Actually, ma'am," he smiled mischievously, "I'm kind of fond of the landing field."

One day mom was cleaning her son's room and under the bed, she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."



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A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.

The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "

The blonde reported for her final examination which consisted of Yes/No answers. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper, and then in a bit of inspiration, takes a quarter out of her purse. The blonde then starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails.
Within 30 minutes she's all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, the blonde again frantically starts flipping the coin again.

The moderator, concerned about what she's doing, stops by and asks if she's ok.

"Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago -- but, " explained the frantic coin-tossing blonde, "I'm going back thru and checking my answers!"



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The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.
"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you:
The following day I stopped smoking.

8 days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;

The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;

This morning I stopped reading.



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The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

http://www.dusky.sk/pics/2003-04/Only_in_IndiaXX1X.jpg

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

Not sure if this has been done. Alzheimers.:lol:

A young lady went to the doctors and complained that every time she walked a whistling sound came from between her legs. The doctor could not find anything wrong with her and decided to send her to see a gynaecologist.

After examining her the gynaecologist said to her, ‘This is a complete mystery to me, I am going to record this noise and send it to a sexual organ expert in Texas for his opinion’. So he got the young lady to walk up and down while he recorded the sound on a tape. He sent the tape to the expert in Texas. He unfortunately omitted to include young ladies medical records. He just asked what this sound could be.

Three weeks later he received a reply from Texas saying:

‘Owing to the lack of medical records, all I can really say about this noise is that it sounds like some c*nt whistling’.:lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Wee Willie was walking with Wanda, his new girlfriend, carrying her books home from grammar school. Both were eight years old.
"Wanda," said Wee Willie with a worshipping gaze, "you are the first girl I have ever loved."

"Dammit!" said Wanda, "another beginner."



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A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.
First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, "That's maple."

They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly. He did this with ever piece of wood they brought before him.

The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose. He sniffed for a while.

"Boy," he said "this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell the other side."

So they took they waitress and put her ass near his nose.

He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, "You guy's can't fool me! That is the shit house door from a tuna boat!"

haha.....................................ha

Teacher to class: "Give me a good example of an oxymoron."
Kid in back row: "A well adjusted transvestite."



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The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his ears when the customer yelled, "Don't put that crap on me! My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!"
Another customer who was waiting replied, "Hey John, you can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has never been in a French Whorehouse!"

Then the fun began...



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Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."

Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's sh*t with me!"

Q: What's the first symptom of aids..........?

A: A hard thumping in your ass!


:lookaroun

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite violently once more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said, I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, then shuddered violently. Are you okay?

"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious."I've never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."



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A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her at a department store.
The little boy gets bored so he decides to have a look around.

When his mom comes out of the changing room, she finds her little boy sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.

"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!", she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT US WOMEN HAVE GOT TEETH DOWN THERE!"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened.

So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have got teeth down below.

By the time the little boy reaches the age of 16, he finds himself a girl.

One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.

"What do you mean?", he asks.

She replies, "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?", while pointing to her privates.

"HELL NO!", he cries. "You've got teeth down there!"

"No I don't", she responds.

"Yes you do", he says. "My mom told me that you do."

"No I don't", she insists. "Here, look for yourself."

With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry", he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for Christ's sake!", she screams.

With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."

He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."

Abbot and Costello Meet Windows 98

Costello: Hey, Abbot!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium III-500, 256 Megs
of RAM, 12 Gig hard drive, and a DVD!
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbot: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer wiz
Abbot: Well, I don't know...

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And
you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first
lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on,
but I heard that you should be very careful how
you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer
and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and
then..

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button..

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I
know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.

Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button!

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop?
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the
computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbot: Start.

Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press..

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the
computer, I am willing to press the Stop button,
the End button, Cease and Desist button, but no
one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and
Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well. I think
it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right
now. Good-bye.

Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has crabs.
He thinks to himself "How am I going to tell the senator that she has crabs?"

After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition.

She is quite concerned and asks him what it is.

He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.

She says "What?"

He again responds "Nixon's Disease."

She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"

He responds, "Well Senator Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office."



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A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.
At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

The husband responded, "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions."

At which point the wife took up the tale, "And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

Andy Reid had put together the perfect Eagles team, missing only a stud quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer to guarantee a Super Bowl win.
One night he was watching a war-zone scene in Iraq on TV. In the background of one shot, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another grenade 75 yards, pitching it right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another into a car passing at 90 mph. BULL'S-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Reid shouted. "He's got the perfect arm!" He finds him and brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. The Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Iraqi is hailed as a great hero, and when Reid asks him what he wants, he says he wants to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman snaps. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"You don't understand, Mother," the QB pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. The elections are a joke, your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, then tearfully adds, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Philadelphia!"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

Q how do you know when you have a high sperm count.



A your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows .

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http://filesharingtalk.com/vb3/images/smilies/sick.gif

A man in his mid 40s goes to a building site and asks the foreman if he has any job openings.
"Actually, I am a man short," replies the foreman. "Do you have experience?"

"I've worked in construction all my life," the man says, "but I had an accident a few years ago and haven't worked since. To make a long story short, I was working with a large industrial saw when it slipped and, well, it castrated me."

"Ooh," the foreman says, wincing. "That's awful, but you have plenty of experience, so come down tomorrow morning at 10 and I'll get you started."

"Great," replies the man. "But don't I usually see you guys here at nine?"

"Yeah," the foreman says, "but for the first hour we just stand around scratching our balls."



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Blondie Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The blonde pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"
The blonde copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! You're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?" "Well we better, were almost out of fuel." So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

"WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the blonde captain. "That runway was SHORT!"

"Yeah!" said the blonde copilot," and WIDE too!"

The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.
"I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said.

"Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'.



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A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"



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A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his butler at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home...
"So, has anything happened while I've been away?"

"No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning."

"Come now, I've been away for weeks. Surely something must have happened in all that time."

"Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died."

"My dear Clyde died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die?"

"The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat."

"The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lying around for the dog to eat?"

"Well, it was the horses, sir. They'd been rotting for some time after the barn burned down."

"Good Lord! How in the world did the barn burn down?"

"It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir."

"The *house*? The house burnt down, too? How did the house burn down?"

"Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle."

"Oh. Candle? Wait a moment - we don't use candles anymore to light the house! What were the candles doing there?"

"They were there for the wake, sir."

"The wake?!? Whose wake? For pity's sake..."

"Actually, your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly."

"Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of?"

"It must have been the shock, sir."

"The shock."

"Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've been away, sir."

Why did the blond throw away her weight loss
video?

Because she noticed that the people on the video
were not losing weight either.
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Great Signs

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium:
"Drop your pants here."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

On a Butcher's window:
"Let me meat your needs."

In a Beauty Shop:
"Dye now!"

On Maternity Room door:
"Push, Push, Push."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On the side of a firewood delivery truck:
"Fulfilling all your burning desires!"

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel:
"Help Wanted. We need inn-experienced people."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On a Music Teacher's door:
"Out Chopin, Bach in a minuet."

On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."

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A cannibal invited a cannibal friend over for
supper one evening. While enjoying the soup, the
friend said, "Your wife sure makes a great soup!".
The host replied, "Yes, and I'm really going
to miss her."

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

Gentlemen:
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,

A Commuter

* * *

Dear Sir:

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,

The Railroad

* * *

Gentlemen:

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.

Yours truly,

A Commuter



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I got a new car radio yesterday and it is terrific.
If I say "Rock" it plays rock and roll.

If I say "Rap" it plays rap.

If I say "Love" it plays love songs.

Three kids ran out in front of the car and I said "F *#^ing kids!"

And it played Michael Jackson.

The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time she understood the facts of life. "Honey," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..."
"It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."



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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your breasts and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs.

One morning, she was running late. She was on the bus before she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Because she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

He leaned toward her, winked, and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied.

"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"

"The same exact thing," the guard answered.

"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"

"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"



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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,

Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."



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It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
"Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet?"



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The third graders were attending their first music lesson.
The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.

The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote,

"Dear Aunt Emma,

Just a short note to tell you I'm fine."
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Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach.
"Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."

A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly.

"Oh, just a bit of gas," said sister Ann, blushing a bit.

On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage.

Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little fart!"



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A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork...
Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie. The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Perfect.... I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Suddenly, there is a flash of light and a detailed list with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

There is another flash of light and a bright red Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irrestible to women."

A final blaze of light and he turns into a box of chocolates!

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by baccyman

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

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hahahaha

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check.

Oh, good news. Her record says that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit."