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When you are cleaning a window:
"You missed a spot." or "You can come do mine."
At work, when someone gives me the exact amount of the purchase:
"Keep the change."
As previously discussed in its own thread, when asking how many sugars someone takes:
"None, I'm sweet enough."
When you tell someone you go to University:
"I went to the University of Life."
Some counter quotes to these would be appreciated.
cynicism, on the interweb? :o
When your kicking a small child in the face for messing up all the wallpaper you just tidied and your boss says "should you be doing that?"
When you slightly bang your elbow/foot/hand/child's head on an object:
"Just wreck the place why don't you."
'Fuck up, cuntoid' should do the job.Quote:
Originally Posted by Chebus
Always grates with me when some cuntoid standing next to me in the urinal farts and says:
'Better out than in'
No it isn't :dry:
'Good morning'.
That one is sure to piss me off on a daily basis. :angry:
Also, any comments on the weather, specifically:
'Nice weather for ducks'
Fucktard. Who cares about ducks?
There are too many to mention, I will be bookmarking this thread and posting periodically throughout the day... :nono:
Yes it is:01:Quote:
Originally Posted by manker
Shuffling a deck of cards, eh dave?:schnauz:
Peaps winingg boot zpellin..............:frusty:
yeah, idiots, zpellin rule!:01:Quote:
Originally Posted by Yogs
People talking to me when at the urinals annoys the piss out of me. If I want to talk to someone with my dick in my hand I'll go to Sheringham.Quote:
Originally Posted by manker
same difference
Apart from the Hindenburg...Quote:
Originally Posted by Proper Bo
In a high voice mixed with mock outrage, "How much?"
http://www.sighost.us/members/danb/glag.gifQuote:
Originally Posted by Cheese
oh, the humanity.
"Beauty is only skin deep".
Let's cut you open and find out then.
i could care less
People who talk in clichés get right on my tits. :dabs:
If asked about children:
"None that I know of."
Fank thuck for that.
"you're just jealous"
"Cheer up, it'll never happen"
at the end of the day
it's a game of two halfs
and errrrrrrrm
and the all time classic sir bobby one "If they hadn't scored - we would have won."
About the age of kids:
"He's (some number) months old."
Next time, I'll ask how many hours old he is.
We're still counting in weeks and days... :happy:Quote:
Originally Posted by Guillaume
Not sure if this counts:
People who cheer when a barmaid smashes a glass.
What does rawk though is when the pub cricket team gets pissed up and cheers each and every person who enters the pub. Then boos them seconds later, confuses the feckery out of people.
"When that other guy in the elevator farts"
Did you just fart?
"When you finish giving a hot girl directions"
YOU: Hey, you look nice by the way.
HER: Why thank you..- HEY! Timmy, stop hitting your sister!
"Do you want to 'Go Large' for an extra 30p?"
"Do you want fries with that?"
NO. If I'd wanted large don't you think I'd have fucking asked for large, and the same with the fries, if I'd fucking wanted your limp yellow pathetic excuses for proper chips, I'd have asked for those too, you cunt! :angry:
When your bank phones you then asks you to confirm who you are for security reasons. Yeah, I can see the reasons but it is still annoying to have someone phone you and then ask you to prove who you are.
How bout when you get hurt and someone walks in and says anything but are you ok. Or if they ask you to do something.
eh? :blink:Quote:
Originally Posted by asmithz
Same is true for wrong numbers.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cheese
Someone phones up and says, "Is Bob there",
and I go, "There's no Bob's here, you must have the wrong number",
and they go "O Rly? Who's this then?",
and I go "None of your business, fucktard, learn how to use the phone, now get the fuck off the line!".
:angry:
The piss out of you at the urinals? Perfect place for that. You should thank them.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cheese
"How's the baby, is she sleeping through the night yet?"
This is in fact the most annoying thing is ever said to me. I am inclined to rip the throat out of the next person who says this to me today... :angry:
My girlfriend was reading the thread and sent me these (:ph34r:):
Quote:
"Have you cut your hair?"
No. It retracted back into my skull you twonk.
"Is your hair naturally curly?"
No, I wanted to look like Crystal Tips.
The worst though is simply "is your hair natural?"
No you fuckweed, its synthetic. I get it all the time and it really pisses me off.
:dry:Quote:
Trance/Hard House...
Anyone into it on this board?
Customer walks into computer shop...."Hi, I'm computer illiterate".
Please Jebus, just kill me now.
Telemarketing mortgage/home improvement/bill consolidator people......Quote:
Originally Posted by Barbarossa
Telemarketer - "Hello may I speak to Bob Wilford?"
Me - "You have the wrong number."
Telemarketer - "Well may I speak with the current homeowner?"
No MOTHERFUCKER!!:angry:
Now I fuck with them and act like an immigrant that can't understand what they're saying.
Mortgage specialist:ermm: - "Hello may I speak with Alex Benjo?"
Me - "Yes ha yes (in a smiley voice)"
MS - "Yes Alex I'm calling from 1st FuckYouOver Mortgage and would to show you how you can decrease your monthly mortgage payment by half. Does that sound good to you?"
Me - "Yes ha yes"
MS - "If you don't mind my asking what is your current mortgage at?"
Me - "Yes ha yes"
MS - "Sir, what is your current mortgage, sir....?"
Me - "Uh Ok yes (still smiling)"
MS - "No sir I was asking your current mortgage."
Me - "Uh...ok yes."
MS - "Is your wife available?"
Me - "Yes ha yes"
MS - "May I speak with her, sir?"
Me - "Yes ha yes"
MS - ".......Sir, whaaaat isssss yoooouuurr moorrttggaagge attt cuurrreeennttlly? I oonnlly wwaanntt tthhhee innnffooorrrmmaattiiiooon ttoo ssavve yyouu BIGGG mmmonneyy"
Me - "Money.....yes ha yes, money"
MS - "Yeeeaahhh, that's right, monnnney. So.....how much is your mortgage?"
Me - "Yes ha yes"
Believe or not. I'm the one that has to hang up.:ermm: My gf is fucking laughing her ass off falling on the floor with tears coming out of eyes.
I get these calls everyday on an identaring line. I'll be changing my number as soon as the new Yellow Pages gets listed.
Either way it's a nice predinnertime laugh.
For telemarketers just say:
"Stop fucking around Bob, have you got the bodybag and chainsaw yet?"
Well If I have time I just fuck with them.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cheese
I'll give all this bogus information and then they drive out to that location to give a presentation and the people's houses they go to don't wtf the "mortgage specialist" is talking about.
On the flip, I always find out what they're selling first. I got my very first charge card (American Express) and also my lowest rate credit card (5.9% fixed) through telemarketers.
"Asian chicks are hawt."
"I'd hit that."
"She's hawt."
and so on so forth.
Cashier at Best Buy during pre-Christmas rush...."Did you find what you were looking for?"
No dipshit, I enjoy standing in lines.
Paying for gas during sub-zero snowstorm..."Would you like a carwash today?"