Love Vs. In Love

Just when I think things can't get worse, they do.

A month ago, I nearly broke up with my Fiance (At the time), after that we called up the engagment, but continued going out, yesterday, after over 3 years, she broke up with me.

She doesn't have any reasons except that she felt this was coming and there was no avoiding it. I don't know what she is talking about. We have FANTASTIC times together, especially the night before we even broke up. My aunt has sat outside of my door and heard us laughing and talking for hours in a small, very cramped room. She even talked to my mom about how amazing it is that I found someone that I can just sit in a room for hours with and still have things to say and talk about.

She couldn't tell me that she wasn't in love with me anymore. My feeling is that you can love someone and not want to be with them (like loving a movie doesn't mean you want to watch it), but if you are in love with someone then that means you do want to be with them. I told her that and she still couldn't tell me that she wasn't in love with me. She just kept telling me that this is the best for both of us. I asked her but would she want to be with me tomarrow, and she couldn't say no. I don't understand why she broke up with me. She doesn't understand either, she just kept on saying 'It just doesn't feel right'.

So, can you be IN love with someone and not want to be with them? Is there any words of wisdom, or a similar experience that will comfort me a little, because needless to say, this is hard.

(B.T.W. - Nothing bad happened between us. She didn't meet someone else or anything like that. I do know this for sure. I should note that, if you look at her life, me and her would appear to be the least of her problems. She is having a hard time in every aspect of it. It looked to me like I was the only good thing. The person that could always cheer her up no matter what happened.)

First of all I would like to say that I'm very sorry that your fiance broke up with you. Love vs In Love? Well to me they are the same thing. Love is love. I may be a Woman but I disagree with alot of women when they say "oh I love him but I'm not in love with him". To me that translates that you care about the guy but don't love him that way, the way in which you with all your heart love and care for that person. Relationships can be very confusing. Maybe your fiance needs some time to sort out the problems in her life that you were speaking of. To me if I were having problems I would want my fiance with me to help me sort out those problems, and be beside me so I know that he was there for me. But that's just me. To be honest, alot of women just don't know what's good for them. A girl I knew had the best boyfriend she could possibly have, but instead of appreciating that, she cheated on him. But you should know that there are good women out there that will appreciate a good man when they see one. You just have to have the patience and you will find her. If the two of you are meant to be, then you will. Just give her some space right now. If she truly loves you, then she will come back to you. If things don't work out, like they say "Time heals all wounds". I know that now it may hurt, but eventually, things will get better. I went through a breakup and it was very hard to get over, but as time passed, I felt better. One thing that will help, do things that you like to do. Hang out with your friends. I really hope what I've said has given you some comfort. All of us go through the same thing.

why dont we make another section ....

we can call it.... ALL BULLSHIT ABOUT LOVE IN HERE.

loves a bitch - luckly im too young to be in love !!! haha :lol:

but i am real sorry to hear about you and g/f :( hope you get over her and find a better person :)

Quote:

---

Originally posted by MusicChick@8 December 2003 - 10:19
First of all I would like to say that I'm very sorry that your fiance broke up with you. Love vs In Love? Well to me they are the same thing. Love is love. I may be a Woman but I disagree with alot of women when they say "oh I love him but I'm not in love with him". To me that translates that you care about the guy but don't love him that way, the way in which you with all your heart love and care for that person. Relationships can be very confusing. Maybe your fiance needs some time to sort out the problems in her life that you were speaking of. To me if I were having problems I would want my fiance with me to help me sort out those problems, and be beside me so I know that he was there for me. But that's just me. To be honest, alot of women just don't know what's good for them. A girl I knew had the best boyfriend she could possibly have, but instead of appreciating that, she cheated on him. But you should know that there are good women out there that will appreciate a good man when they see one. You just have to have the patience and you will find her. If the two of you are meant to be, then you will. Just give her some space right now. If she truly loves you, then she will come back to you. If things don't work out, like they say "Time heals all wounds". I know that now it may hurt, but eventually, things will get better. I went through a breakup and it was very hard to get over, but as time passed, I felt better. One thing that will help, do things that you like to do. Hang out with your friends. I really hope what I've said has given you some comfort. All of us go through the same thing.

---

I dont agree that Loving someone and being "In Love" are the same thing.

You dont stay "In Love" forever, even with the best partner in the world.

When you finish the "In Love" phase, the you can feel many different things for the other person; ranging from Love to Hate and hitting every emotion in between. Your sanity returns and you see the person for what they are, and not the illusion your brain has been building (ever wonder why friends sometimes say "what does he/she see in him/her?")

One of the reasons that divorce is so common now is that people get married while they are "In Love", which is a temporary insanity (albeit a nice one)...no major life decisions should be made while suffering from this affliction :P



To me, it sounds like she is no longer "In Love" but does still love you. However because she has stopped being obsessed and can think straight again...she's confused as to the different way she feels now. She may not be able to handle this change in her emotional state well if she has a lot of other crap going on in her life, however im sure that she will come around, as Love is a very strong emotion. Just hang in and dont change your attitude towards her...be there for her.





Reading the above, i doubt that many of the younger members will understand what im trying to say....its a difficult thing for me to explain properly. I understand what i mean though, and i think some of the older members may be able to figure it out; so i'll post/leave it in the hope that someone better at the English Language can translate it for me ;)

dunno this will help or not but : Donjuan

ask ur question there.. they might have answers :)

Thank you all for the replays. I'm still kinda confused and really talked out. Please leave more and don't be offended if I don't reply. I am reading them. I just need to get things sorted out.

Well...maybe the reason she is having a hard time on every other aspect in her life is exactly the reason she broke up with you?

When I broke up with Bender that was more or less the case. I had no idea what to do with my life, wasn't happy about the way it was going at the moment, had a lot of financial problems, didn't really know who or what I was anymore, just became the president of my students club, which involves a lot of work....
(yeah, ok, I did meet someone else back then, but that was just the last drop, wasn't the reason for our rel'p to end).
The logical thing to me back then was just to end what took most of my time. Bender tried to support me, but couldn't do that the way I needed it, but I never showed or told him...
Back then all I needed was a lot of time for myself and to be in a rel'p like that didn't feel right at all. We don't talk anymore these days because I had no explanation back then, just like your girlfriend. I wasn't in love with him anymore, but I can't say I didn't love him back then. Until this day I still didn't figure out what exactly was my reason for leaving, all I CAN say is that it seemed wrong to stay any longer.

I know you are probably craving for an explanation, so you can understand, and maybe even change it. The last thing you should do though is put pressure on her, it'll only make her feel more confused and upset (at least that was the case with me :( ). Give her some time, let her sort things out, but you have to count in the fact that maybe she'll never be able to give you a valid reason for leaving except that 'it didn't feel right anymore' thing.



And love vs. in love...

those are definitely two completely different things. Biologically and chemically it is impossible to be in love with the same person for 3 years in a row (unles you have one hell of a hormone system :lol: ). That doesn't mean that occasionaly a glimpse of it comes back, that what gives a rel'p an extra boost every now and then. Loving someone feels so much better though (IF that is what you're looking for of course), but I don't think that it is always enough to be with someone.

Hope I helped you with this

Hug,
Sonja
xxx

It does help to here that someone else that seems to be going through the same thing she is. That it isn't anything I did, and there isn't anything I can do.

I was told by everyone not to talk to her, give her time....I didn't listen. I just got back from her place and I feel really good. We have the most honest open relationship either of us have ever been in. There isn't a single thing I don't know about her unless she didn't remember it herself. She really is my best friend and I think this is how things are supposed to be. She still feels very close to me and I still feel very close to her. I even talked about dating this girl at work and we were both comfortable with it. We held hands for awhile, but it was as friends who are there for each other.

So right now we both feel strangely comfortable. Unfortunatly I know that in these situations you do cover all aspects of emotions. Plus we don't know where the line is drawn between extremely good friends and more then friends. Either way I think things are going to be okay.

(As you can see I am a very open person or else I wouldn't be telling a bunch of strangers this. It makes things a lot easier. ;) )



One more question though.

When girls are good friends they are comfortable changing in front of each other. We both agreed that we would still be comfortable because we have been doing it for 3 years, there isn't anything sexual about it anymore, (Unless of course we wanted it to be). Has anyone else experienced 2 best friends of oppisite sexes that do that kind of stuff?

dwightfry im so sorry to hear that, i hope things work out for you, i know ive only been in a relationship for just over 10 months, and ok im only 16, but this really does feel special, i loved this girl for a long time, and when we started going out i fell in love with her.

Perhaps your girlfriend thinks that she will be a burden to you, with all her other problems you mention, mabye you should try and call her and tell her you know she is still in love with you and that no matter what, you want to be with her, and help her regardless of the situation, explain to her that relationships are all about helping each other, if my girlfriend didnt help me i wouldnt love her so much.

about the getting changed thing, thats tricky, i know that when two girls, that arnt lesbiens, change together its no big deal, but i think when its a guy and a girl, i think it becomes differant, especially when you have been together.
Besides, why would you two be getting changed together? of course if you live in the same house its kind of understandable but, i assume one of you will move out?

Quote:

---

Originally posted by miccheck1516@8 December 2003 - 11:46
dwightfry im so sorry to hear that, i hope things work out for you, i know ive only been in a relationship for just over 10 months, and ok im only 16, but this really does feel special, i loved this girl for a long time, and when we started going out i fell in love with her.

Perhaps your girlfriend thinks that she will be a burden to you, with all her other problems you mention, mabye you should try and call her and tell her you know she is still in love with you and that no matter what, you want to be with her, and help her regardless of the situation, explain to her that relationships are all about helping each other, if my girlfriend didnt help me i wouldnt love her so much.

---

Believe me, I tried that before we broke up. Boy did I try that. It's weird, when I was your age, I thought I understood relationships...now I'm 22 and still learning. Just like I'm sure you will with your girlfriend.

God relationships are confusing. :blink:

Quote:

---

Originally posted by miccheck1516@8 December 2003 - 11:54
about the getting changed thing, thats tricky, i know that when two girls, that arnt lesbiens, change together its no big deal, but i think when its a guy and a girl, i think it becomes differant, especially when you have been together.
Besides, why would you two be getting changed together? of course if you live in the same house its kind of understandable but, i assume one of you will move out?

---

Well, If I'm over there and she is getting ready to go out with friends, we would both be comfortable if she changed while I was in the room, or so we think right now. Like I said, things are very confusing. That is why I was wondering if anyone knows anyother relationships like that, just so I know it can work.

dwightfry, I change clothes in front of my friends all the time. It's no biggie, and it can be completely asexual :)

Quote:

---

Originally posted by dwightfry@8 December 2003 - 08:32

I even talked about dating this girl at work and we were both comfortable with it.

---

How are you going to feel when she tells you about a guy she would like to date? Will you be as comfortable with that? What was your purpose in revealing this? Might be a good idea to avoid this area for now, you're not going to make her jealous at this point.

Quote:

---

(MusicChick @ 8 December 2003 - 10:19)
If the two of you are meant to be, then you will. Just give her some space right now. If she truly loves you, then she will come back to you. If things don't work out, like they say "Time heals all wounds".

---

dwightfry, you probably won't find any solace in my reply. Your experience has been the foundation for wonderful and beautiful poems, operas and love songs (mostly country...lol) through the ages. Some may even remember Neil Sedaka's "Breaking up is hard to do". As I read your post I could feel your pain as I reflect back on my own experiences and loves lost. When it happens it seems like the end of the world, but I moved on and looking back tells me that relationships can simply "run their course". Go ahead and look for an explanation. Go ahead and seek advice from others but, it all comes down to your girlfriends decision. She knows when it's time to go and by you saying "She couldn't tell me that she wasn't in love with me anymore" tells me she is trying to let you down easy.

Sorry I could not be more positive and I really hope she has a change of mind, that you two discover you are madly in love with each other after all, were meant to be and...live happily everafter.

All the best to both of you!
mrlessk :)

Quote:

---

How are you going to feel when she tells you about a guy she would like to date? Will you be as comfortable with that? What was your purpose in revealing this? Might be a good idea to avoid this area for now, you're not going to make her jealous at this point.

---

It wasn't brought up to make her jelouse. It was brought up because she wanted me to move on and she was even thinking of where I could meet people. As for why I brought up this indivisual person, that's a story in itself, but I assure you it's not how you interpret it.

How am I going to feel? I really don't know until we cross that road. She says she wants a lengthy break from relationships, if that is true then I should have moved on by then. But...again...things are confusing, but being good friends really was her choice, and it is starting to feel right to me. I just hope it continues feeling that way.

She really is my best friend, I'm pretty sure it is that part of our relationship that I was afraid of losing, now that it looks like I'm not going too...who knows....

Unfortunately , I never had the pleasure to keep any of my exes a friends <_< , but even then I always found it a bit weird/difficult to see them with someone else. Like a confirmation it is really over and that what we had will never come back...
Ah well, love, it&#39;s a weird thing :)

Quote:

---

Originally posted by dwightfry@8 December 2003 - 13:56

It wasn&#39;t brought up to make her jelouse. It was brought up because she wanted me to move on and she was even thinking of where I could meet people. As for why I brought up this indivisual person, that&#39;s a story in itself, but I assure you it&#39;s not how you interpret it.
....but being good friends really was her choice, and it is starting to feel right to me. I just hope it continues feeling that way.

---

Ok, swell. Sorry if I mis-interpreted, I wasn&#39;t there so what do I know?

Quote:

---

she was even thinking of where I could meet people???

---

Wake up and smell the coffee&#33;

I&#39;m playing hard-ball here first of all because I&#39;ve been there and done that and also because you might just need a reality check. At 22 you haven&#39;t had enough experience I suppose to hear often the soothing words "But, we can still be friends&#33;" All this means is: "I want to meet and have relations with other guys and if you can handle that you can call me once in a while but I might be busy." Of course, as you state, it was "her choice".

Anyway, I&#39;m not going to continue. Whatever I have to say will not be uplifting and encouraging. I&#39;ll give others their opportunity to address your issues and even disagree with what I&#39;ve had to say.

Suggestion: start gathering up the photos you want of you two together before she does. You&#39;ll certainly want remembrances of your relationship.

Just my opinion, I could be wrong&#33; :bye:
mrlessk

Don&#39;t worry about it. I&#39;m glad you are saying these things. I thought them all too, I think this is going to be different though. She still wants to say I love you when we get off the phone and stuff. She says she&#39;s going to try not to in front of friends because it might weird them out. So, this may be the time when the friends thing really works. I guess now only time will tell.

To help heal my woes.....I GOT A CAT. :D

It&#39;s a shorthair domestic, dark grey with light grey stripes. 7 months old. Generally quite but VERY loving. For the next few nights, (Until I get him neutered), He&#39;s staying in the bathroom so he doesn&#39;t spray the carpet. I let him out for a little while today, I just sat on the floor and he just walked around me in circles rubbing against me over and over and over and over and.................

I can&#39;t wait to get home from work.

Quote:

---

Originally posted by dwightfry@10 December 2003 - 03:01
To help heal my woes.....I GOT A CAT.&nbsp; :D
It&#39;s a shorthair domestic, dark grey with light grey stripes. 7 months old. Generally quite but VERY loving. For the next few nights, (Until I get him neutered), He&#39;s staying in the bathroom so he doesn&#39;t spray the carpet. I let him out for a little while today, I just sat on the floor and he just walked around me in circles rubbing against me over and over and over and over and.................
I can&#39;t wait to get home from work.

---

Good for you dwightfry, he&#39;ll be very therapeutic. I appreciate people who like cats. Couple of years ago I had to put down my 20 (yes 20) year old calico cat (they are always female). She developed C.R.F. (Chronic Renal Failure....her kidneys finally gave out). My recipe for her longevity.....she was an "indoor" cat. She never went out possibly exposing her to other cats and their ills (not to mention the automobile). I regret that during her last few years, having so much confidence in her long life, I failed to make visits to the vet. If I had they would have found out with early detection (blood test) the onset of the CRF and it could have been treated. Who knows...lol....she might have lived to be 25 or 30. Anyway, she was a great cat and I have fond memories....(RIP "Maya" 1981-2001)

Some advice from one experienced in such matters: Keep a fresh dish of water available. Keep a dish of dry food available. And, most importantly....visits to the vet, keep shots up-to-date. As he gets older make sure the vet performs a blood test as part of it&#39;s checkups. At the vet ask for info about CRF.
Once you get yours "fixed" that will remove the urge from him to wander and if you choose will make it easier to make him an indoor cat.

Best regards and Good Luck&#33;
mrlessk :newyear:

I had a cat named dracule and he was cool. He had a little white thing on his chin and when he used to hiss, he looked like a little vampire :)

http://www.savepic.com/freepictureho...g=SexStudy.jpg

another vote for "love" being totally different from "in love"
sorry to hear about your situaton dwight, it can be f*cked up
and really confusing, but, and you&#39;re probably gonna hear
this too many times, you&#39;re still young dude, it sucks now,
but the days keep on rollin, dont let it suck so bad for you that
you miss something in life,(take it from my experience)
cause things are gonna happen the way theyre gonna,
maybe it wasnt meant to be, maybe she&#39;ll find out she dont
wanna be without you after a while, you never know
and someone else could come along that makes you forget
this even happened, believe me, i know

just keep an open heart and mind, cause possibilities are endless :)
and good luck, hope this works out for you

Quote:

---

just keep an open heart and mind, cause possibilities are endless
and good luck, hope this works out for you

---

Thanks