a bit of a laugh pt 2

A man was having problems with premature
ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his
problem. In response the doctor said, "When you
feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try
startling yourself".

That same day the man went to the store and
bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to
try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.
At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on
her husband. As the two begin, they find
themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments
later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires
the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man
answered, "Not that well...when I fired the
pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches
off my penis and my neighbor came out of the
closet naked with his hands in the air!"

:D Thats kind of funny hehe

He he,

The texan way :huh:

No...

lmao

why part 2?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cpt_azad

lmao

why part 2?

---

i started part 2 because i thought that there were too many pages to go through if anybody just started to read them .

Bill Clinton is sitting next to a White House
intern one day at a gathering. The President says
to her, "Would you like to come to the Oval office
and see my clock?"

She says, "No, Mr. President, I don't think so."

The President replies, "Please. I'd really like to
show it to you."

"No, Mr. President, I really can't."

"Come on. Come and see my clock. It'll only take a
minute."

"All right. If it won't take long."

They go to the Oval Office. The President sits
down, unzips his pants, and pulls out his dick.

The intern says, "That's not a clock, it's a cock"

To which the President says, "If you put two hands
and a face on it, it's a clock sweetheart."

"That's not a clock, it's a cock"

Simple, yet funny :ermm: :lol:

... and you're right regarding that other thread baccyman ;)

Keep it up man
:clap::clap::clap:

nice, ya ur right baccy about starting part 2. i loves it :D

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

i started part 2 because i thought that there were too many pages to go through if anybody just started to read them .

---

True main reason i dint read the last one:01:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

Bill Clinton is sitting next to a White House
intern one day at a gathering. The President says
to her, "Would you like to come to the Oval office
and see my clock?"

She says, "No, Mr. President, I don't think so."

The President replies, "Please. I'd really like to
show it to you."

"No, Mr. President, I really can't."

"Come on. Come and see my clock. It'll only take a
minute."

"All right. If it won't take long."

They go to the Oval Office. The President sits
down, unzips his pants, and pulls out his dick.

The intern says, "That's not a clock, it's a cock"

To which the President says, "If you put two hands
and a face on it, it's a clock sweetheart."

---

:lol: Great one

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!



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Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "Bout what?"



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Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)



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What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)



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What’s the difference between a blonde and a
brick?

The brick only gets laid once.

:lol:

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
---Marcus Brigstocke



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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment.

"So why is the groom wearing black?"



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A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awfully cute. Who are you supposed to be?" "We're Jack and Jill" she replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!" So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?" "We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!" Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED. "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks. "We're M & M's, " said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...n/funnypic.jpg

haha

Quote:

---

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment.

"So why is the groom wearing black?"

---

best one yet baccy :lol: :)

An elderly couple was sitting on there rocking chairs rocking back and forth. When the woman whacked her husband as hard as she could right off his chair. Surprised and disorientated he said: "now why did you do that?" and she replied: "That is for 50 years of horrible sex". So he sits back down and thinks about it for a while, and pretty soon you hear another whack, this time the wife falls off the chair and soon, gets back up and says "what was that for?” He replied, "that is for knowing the difference."


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This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and music starts playing!
"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". .
. On the road again . . ."

The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the doctor "Any asshole can sing country music!"

i had a problem with my computer for a few days that is why there were no jokes for a few days
________________________________________________________________________

A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder

. He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.

He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"



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Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business."
He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million."

After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says "Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas."

He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand."

He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card."

"What? The dealer has...!"

"Take a card!"

He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.

"Saul, take another card."

"What?"

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands.

"But I have twenty!" Saul shouts.

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.

"Hit me," says Saul. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

The booming voice goes: "Un-f*cking-believable!"



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A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

"At the Cannes film festival, John Kerry's daughter was wearing a see-through dress where you could actually see her breasts.
And just like a Kerry, they somehow managed to lean both ways."
__________________________________________________________________

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter... another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came...

Finally he sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter.

On the back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you owe me!"

Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.

Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat.

On the back of the photograph the patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"



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An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So, he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this!"
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around the hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on", he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easily."

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on.

After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.

After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little--but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
================================================================
"Hit me," says Saul. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

The booming voice goes: "Un-f*cking-believable!"




"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
awesome :01:

LMFAO :lol:

Well, little Johnny was going to his room, when he saw his sister in her room laying on her bed naked, feeling her self, saying "A man, I want A man I need a man!"
Little Johnny just walked by later, he passed her room again, and saw a man an top of his sister. He thought and ran to his room, got naked, laid on his bed feeling himself and said "a bike, I want a bike..."



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The Sunday sermon was, Forgive Your Enemies, and toward the end of the service, the precher asked his congregation,” How many of you have forgiven their enemies?”
About half held up their hands

. He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" Inquired the preacher; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." She replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

They all died "I outlived them all!"

Quote:

---

Well, little Johnny was going to his room, when he saw his sister in her room laying on her bed naked, feeling her self, saying "A man, I want A man I need a man!"
Little Johnny just walked by later, he passed her room again, and saw a man an top of his sister. He thought and ran to his room, got naked, laid on his bed feeling himself and said "a bike, I want a bike..."

---

LMFAO poor kid won't get his bike though :lol:

A kid had been fooling around with fireworks in his back yard. He ran in through the back door loudly proclaiming, " Mum, Mum, I just stuck a Roman Candle up a duck's ass"
His mother, dismayed with this turn of phrase corrects the child. "Rectum dear, rectum."

The boy responded, "Wrecked 'im? Nearly blew his f*cking head off!"



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The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:

"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"



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Three high-school pals were walking on the boardwalk when they saw the most gorgeous girl in a string bikini. Two of the guys let out wolf whistles and stared their eyes out, but Bubba, the third guy, took to his heels in the opposite direction.
A few days later all three were walking on the boardwalk again and saw the same girl, this time wearing nothing but the bikini bottom. And again, two of the guys went ape while Bubba ran for his life.

So when the guys saw the girl for the third time --- this time she's stark naked --- the other two guys grabbed Bubba before he could get away.

Shaking him by the shoulders, they shouted, "Why are you running away from a gorgeous sight like that, you jerk?"

Trembling, Bubba blurted out, "See, it's like this, my mom told me if I ever looked at a naked woman I'd turn into stone... and I felt something getting hard!"

One night a guy got really polluted. In the morning, he rolled over and sleeping peacefully beside him was the ugliest girl he'd ever seen.
Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as fast as he could. He put a twenty-dollar bill on the bureau and started to tip-toe out.

Just then he felt a tug on his pant leg. Looking down, he saw a girl just as ugly as the one in the bed.

She looked up at him, smiled a toothless smile, and asked,
"What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?"



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FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so. *Click*

A man had been drinking at a pub all night when the bartender finally decided to close up shop. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air to try to sober up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look. “The pub called—you left your wheelchair there again.”

Two eight-year-old boys played in a vacant lot everyday, and across the street was a brothel. Day after day they saw men go up, knock on the door, go in, and eventually come out happy and smiling.
One day they became curious and decided to see what was going on. The madam answers the door and looks down at the boys, and asks what they want. They explain what they saw, and tell her that they are curious as to what goes on inside.

The Madam thinks for a moment, shrugs, and says, "Do you have 5 dollars?"

Both boys dig deep into their pockets and come up with a total of 50 cents.

She says, "OK, that will have to do," as she proceeds to lift her skirt and pull down her panties. She tells both boys to take a sniff, which they do. She closes the door and the kids proceed home.

About halfway down the block one boy turns to the other and says, "Ya know Joey, I don't think I coulda stood 5 dollars worth of that."



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At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."

---

LMFAO :lol: :lol: :lol:

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."



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A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.
After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his sanity. One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he starts to get an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I lied about the ship!"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by baccyman

At this, he starts to get an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I lied about the ship!"

---

haha

At this, he starts to get an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I lied about the ship!"

lmfao :lol: dude, that's awesome

Strategic Warning!
This morning -- from a cave somewhere in Pakistan -- Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next.

It's getting ugly



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A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish."
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband," said the wife The fairy moved her magic stick and...abracadabra!... Two tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and....abracadabra!

Suddenly the husband was 90 years old

Men might be jerks. But Fairies are...............Female

lmfao

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

lol

One morning, after her husband had gone to work, his wife decided to have a leisurely bath. She undressed and then remembered that the gas was still on in the kitchen. Wrapped in a towel, she went downstairs.
She was about to turn off the gas when she heard footsteps. She realized at once that it was the milkman since the arrangement was for him to deliver the milk to the kitchen. So she ran to the nearest door, the broom cupboard and made it just in time.

The footsteps grew louder and the door opened. It was the man from the Gas Company who had called to read the meter.

For a moment she was speechless. Then she said, "Sorry, I was expecting the milkman."



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A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' ....

....so, here we are!"