A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right.

When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.

He couldn't get back in.

[baccyman]

The aged patient doddered into the doctor's office with a serious complaint.
"Doc, you've got to do something to lower my sex drive."

"Come on now, Mr. Peters," the doctor said, "your sex drive's all in your head."

"That's what I mean, you've got to lower it a little."

[baccyman]

Lorne was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital. Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for our bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Lorne had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Lorne had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So.....you know where the juice went.

Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today....."

At this, Old Lorne snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted..... Old Lorne just smiled......

[baccyman]

At the prestigious estate auction, bidding was intense and cutthroat. The room was filled with scowling men and women, each determined to exploit any advantage at the expense of another.
Without warning the auctioneer paused the sale and announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $3,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the crowd came the cry,

"Three thousand five hundred!"

[baccyman]

What gender is it? If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example. . .
Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it . .. . and, of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider that it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[baccyman]

An old lady comes into a police station, goes up to the desk officer and says, "I have been graped."
The sergant looks up and asks, "Don't you meen raped?"

"No," the old lay replies. "there was a whole bunch of them."

[baccyman]

Doug came home unexpectedly early from work only to find his wife lying in bed naked with large hickies all over her neck and big red bruises and red welts all over her breasts. She had obviously been ravaged in sexual passion. Doug then noticed a burning cigar on the nightstand next to the bed. He screamed at his wife, "What is going on here? Who did this to you?
His wife calmly and innocently said, "No one, Doug. Whenever I try to smoke a cigar, I break out in a rash!"

[baccyman]

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed... I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

[baccyman]

A Case For The FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood." "This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@19 January 2004 - 21:56
(...)I need my garden plowed."

Nice