a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

A girl says to an Indian salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."
He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"



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A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a very good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"



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Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him:
"Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. So just let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Howard, you're a veterinarian...."

[cpt_azad]

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him:
"Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. So just let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Howard, you're a veterinarian...."

lmfao

[thecreator89]

ooooooooh that sucks

[cpt_azad]

ewwww

[baccyman]

Do you know why Noah didn’t fish very often?
He only had two worms.



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AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to make love again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

POW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house..

WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

[baccyman]

Two sperm are swimming along. One turns to the other and asks, “Hey, how far to the fallopian tubes?” The other replies, “Fallopian tubes? Hell, we haven’t even passed the esophagus yet!”

[cpt_azad]

Two sperm are swimming along. One turns to the other and asks, “Hey, how far to the fallopian tubes?” The other replies, “Fallopian tubes? Hell, we haven’t even passed the esophagus yet!”

lmfao

[baccyman]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times"
___________________________________________________________________

BAD: You can't find your vibrator.
WORSE: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

BAD: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
WORSE: You're in it.

BAD: Your children are sexually active.
WORSE: With each other.

BAD: Your husband's a cross dresser.
WORSE: He looks better than you.

BAD: Your son's involved in Satanism.
WORSE: As a sacrifice.

BAD: Your wife wants a divorce.
WORSE: She's a lawyer.

BAD: Your wife's leaving you.
WORSE: For another woman.

BAD: Your wife's leaving you.
WORSE: To enter a convent.

BAD: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
WORSE: She implicates you.

GOOD: Hot outdoor sex.
BAD: You're arrested.
WORSE: By your husband.

GOOD: The postman's early.
BAD: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

GOOD: The secretary said "yes."
BAD: Your wife says "no."

GOOD: The teacher likes your son.
BAD: Sexually.
WORSE: He's gay.

GOOD: You came home for a quickie.
BAD: So did the postman.

GOOD: You came home for a quickie.
BAD: Your wife walks in.

GOOD: You get a three-day weekend.
BAD: You get the flu on Friday.

GOOD: You get tickets to the theatre.
BAD: It's performance art.

GOOD: You go to see a strip show.
BAD: Your daughter's the headliner.

GOOD: Your boyfriend's exercising.
BAD: So he'll fit in your clothes.

GOOD: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
BAD: For real.

GOOD: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
BAD: Your son, that is.

GOOD: Your daughter's on the Pill.
BAD: She's eleven.

GOOD: Your neighbour exercises in the nude.
BAD: He weighs 350 pounds.

GOOD: Your son's doing extra credit work.
BAD: Making a sexed video.

GOOD: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
BAD: It's counterfeit.

GOOD: Your wife bought a porn video.
BAD: Your daughter's the star.

GOOD: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
BAD: You live downtown.

GOOD: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
BAD: She's coming home.

GOOD: Your wife's kinky.
BAD: With the neighbors.
WORSE: All of them.

[baccyman]

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now. Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty-dollar bill, and gives it to him. She says, "Awww, honey you're so depressed... Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight.. But remember that this happens only once. Ok? Don't think about it or ask me to do this again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: "Damn that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here I only charged him fifty!"



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A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Kennyson vs. IRS, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked her, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from her chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. She leaned across the desk and said in a low voice....

"How much do you want it to be?"

She got the job.

[cpt_azad]

"Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times"

lmfao