What can I do?

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I have received a text!!!

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Originally Posted by Squeamous

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Originally Posted by manker

It was late. No combination of smiles or words would convey 'But you're a girl, they're always getting offended about stuff, but on the off-chance it's true, and given half a chance, i'm sure i could remedy that. Also, I posted a soliloquy 24 hours ago to the effect that I had never been offended. We appear to be of the same mind. Please prime your back-doors for being smashed in over pina-coladas.'

All that flashed thro' my mind when I read that one line. So I took a pic of my face at the exact time I was thinking it and posted that instead of words.

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I thought it was probably intended to convey that sentiment, but never in my wildest dreams could I have hoped it contained intent to back-door smash :smilie4:.
I read your soliloquy and wholeheartedly agreed with it. I just fucked up the quotes and gave up trying to reply to it. Don't suppose you remember the Brasseye paedophile spoof? I was about 17 when I watched it and I think it broke me. I've tried everything to try to be offended ever since, even alternating Frankie Boyle and South Park for several hours Clockwork Orange style. It's no use though. If you can't be offended by that Brasseye doc you will never be offended by anything, ever.

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Yeah, I've got a copy of it now on this PC.
I remember having conversations at the time with people who were convinced it was real. Even after reciting lines to them like 'Internet paedophiles make your kids smell like hammers'. Possibly the greatest TV moment evar.

Altho' I don't recall being close to shocked or anything. I just found it really really funny. I must have been broken previously by something else.
<inb4 'your dad lol'>


So what did it say in your text? :happy:

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Originally Posted by manker

Yeah, I've got a copy of it now on this PC.
I remember having conversations at the time with people who were convinced it was real. Even after reciting lines to them like 'Internet paedophiles make your kids smell like hammers'. Possibly the greatest TV moment evar.

Altho' I don't recall being close to shocked or anything. I just found it really really funny. I must have been broken previously by something else.
<inb4 'your dad lol'>


So what did it say in your text? :happy:

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Yeah I remember not being sure of it. I knew it was a joke but I had to have a think about whether I thought it was offensive. Wrote one of my A-level essays on it in the end. Trouble is, if you've ever listened to Jeremy Vine on BBC radio 2 at lunchtimes you can see exactly why people weren't sure if it was real or not.

Oh yeah....text said he wants to meet up. In a public place, but never mind :ermm:

Radio 2 at lunchtime :lol:
You English people know how to live, I'm usually looking for some new porn about then for the obligatory five o'clock onanism.
hmmz, i wrote that as a throw-away jocular remark - but it's been true at least once this week :eyebrows:

I spose you have two choices now with the M&S Star Trek dewd. Either an all out 'come on, let's fuck' statement, or the complete opposite where you play even harder to get than he is and even look mildly disgusted when you guise talk about sex. With the latter choice, he will begin to panic if he thinks his plan isn't working and whisk you off to a dirty latrine for fingering.
If he is indeed human, that is :smilie4:

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Originally Posted by manker

Radio 2 at lunchtime :lol:
You English people know how to live, I'm usually looking for some new porn about then for the obligatory five o'clock onanism.
hmmz, i wrote that as a throw-away jocular remark - but it's been true at least once this week :eyebrows:

I spose you have two choices now with the M&S Star Trek dewd. Either an all out 'come on, let's fuck' statement, or the complete opposite where you play even harder to get than he is and even look mildly disgusted when you guise talk about sex. With the latter choice, he will begin to panic if he thinks his plan isn't working and whisk you off to a dirty latrine for fingering.
If he is indeed human, that is :smilie4:

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Some of us work hours dictated by the biological systems we're studying. I don't tend to have my actual lunch break until about 3 :snooty: . Also I share an office so I try to keep the wanking to a minimum.

I think what M&SSTD needs to realise is that games don't work on me. I am a combination of female/sex drive of a man/no shame, therefore I could be being fingered in a dirty latrine every night of the week by a selection of hawt males if I wish. Ambiguities make me nervous however, so I am happy to give up such things for the predictability of a regular arrangement. I work in the public sector for similar reasons. It's really quite simple: he's either a one-off or a repeat offendee, not something in between. I shall explain the rules to him tomorrow :happy:

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Originally Posted by Squeamous

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Originally Posted by manker

Radio 2 at lunchtime :lol:
You English people know how to live, I'm usually looking for some new porn about then for the obligatory five o'clock onanism.
hmmz, i wrote that as a throw-away jocular remark - but it's been true at least once this week :eyebrows:

I spose you have two choices now with the M&S Star Trek dewd. Either an all out 'come on, let's fuck' statement, or the complete opposite where you play even harder to get than he is and even look mildly disgusted when you guise talk about sex. With the latter choice, he will begin to panic if he thinks his plan isn't working and whisk you off to a dirty latrine for fingering.
If he is indeed human, that is :smilie4:

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Some of us work hours dictated by the biological systems we're studying. I don't tend to have my actual lunch break until about 3 :snooty: . Also I share an office so I try to keep the wanking to a minimum.

I think what M&SSTD needs to realise is that games don't work on me. I am a combination of female/sex drive of a man/no shame, therefore I could be being fingered in a dirty latrine every night of the week by a selection of hawt males if I wish. Ambiguities make me nervous however, so I am happy to give up such things for the predictability of a regular arrangement. I work in the public sector for similar reasons. It's really quite simple: he's either a one-off or a repeat offendee, not something in between. I shall explain the rules to him tomorrow :happy:

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What I like best about this thread is that you started off not wanting to sound like Seven of Nine to M&SSTD. And you've ended up doing an unwitting (i think) parody of what Seven would do if she logged into your account and decided to answer me about her daily routine and plans for tomorrow.
It's absolutely fantastic.

I find myself as eager as a very eager thing to find out what happens tomoro night. Make sure you post here before copulation if it works out or regeneration if it doesn't.

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Originally Posted by manker

What I like best about this thread is that you started off not wanting to sound like Seven of Nine to M&SSTD. And you've ended up doing an unwitting (i think) parody of what Seven would do if she logged into your account and decided to answer me about her daily routine and plans for tomorrow.
It's absolutely fantastic.

I find myself as eager as a very eager thing to find out what happens tomoro night. Make sure you post here before copulation if it works out or regeneration if it doesn't.

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Oh it's too late for parody, the first time we were intimate it was the result of me forcing him into a nightclub cage and stealing his spectacles :w00t:.
It's only shopping anyway, during the daytime. However I have cleared my schedule for the evening :smilie4:. I shall keep you posted.

At first I was like; ooh, secks in a nightclub cage, how rewd :o

and then; texting you for a shopping date. On a Saturday afternoon when the footie is on.
:no:

I'm getting mixed messages.

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Originally Posted by manker

At first I was like; ooh, secks in a nightclub cage, how rewd :o

and then; texting you for a shopping date. On a Saturday afternoon when the footie is on.
:no:

I'm getting mixed messages.

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I don't think he likes football :ghey: ?

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Originally Posted by Squeamous

But he doesn't have to do that with me, I have never knowingly been offended.
Anyway, you know what Les is like. He could ask me to do the most degrading things previously thought humanly impossible and I would just think he was being a lovely sweet old thing with a minor pecadillo.

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:unsure: I had it on good authority that the thing with the goose fat, candle, gerbil and the riding crop was a old Latvian folk remedy and a perfectly wholesome way to cure bashfulness.

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Originally Posted by Squeamous

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Originally Posted by manker

At first I was like; ooh, secks in a nightclub cage, how rewd :o

and then; texting you for a shopping date. On a Saturday afternoon when the footie is on.
:no:

I'm getting mixed messages.

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I don't think he likes football :ghey: ?

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He's looking more like a pillowbiter all the time. We need to examine his previously mentioned plus in more depth i.e. the liking Star Trek thing. It isn't the tight uniforms that spin his wheels is it ? Or the fab hairdo's ? You haven't mentioned who his favorite character yet (or even his favorite captain). All telling points indicating just how light in the loafers he is.

If it's Wesley Crusher, it's all over, Squeams :no:

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Originally Posted by Biggles

:unsure: I had it on good authority that the thing with the goose fat, candle, gerbil and the riding crop was a old Latvian folk remedy and a perfectly wholesome way to cure bashfulness.

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You've expanded your repertoire somewhat :naughty:

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Originally Posted by Artemis

He's looking more like a pillowbiter all the time. We need to examine his previously mentioned plus in more depth i.e. the liking Star Trek thing. It isn't the tight uniforms that spin his wheels is it ? Or the fab hairdo's ? You haven't mentioned who his favorite character yet (or even his favorite captain). All telling points indicating just how light in the loafers he is.

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Originally Posted by manker

If it's Wesley Crusher, it's all over, Squeams :no:

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:lol:

Gosh, isn't that the kind of thing you find out about someone on the fourth or fifth date? However you're in luck, I do know. Picard (obviously) and Garak I think. He does lean precariously towards DS9, but this is good, because his deficiencies are a rich fuel for my cruel nature. Why does he like Star Trek? Because it's awesome of course :rolleyes:

What did you guys go shopping for? Kinky lingerie?

I've heard of delectable panties people sometimes offer the opposite sex for Valentime's or Halloweem.

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Originally Posted by The Flying Cow

What did you guys go shopping for? Kinky lingerie?

I've heard of delectable panties people sometimes offer the opposite sex for Valentime's or Halloweem.

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Christmas presents! Do they make edible boxers? :ermm:

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Originally Posted by Squeamous

Do they make edible boxers? :ermm:

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I wouldn't know.

On the flipside, has he succumbed to your advances a second thyme or are you still dancing about on your bare feet doing the ninja ting?

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Originally Posted by The Flying Cow

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Originally Posted by Squeamous

Do they make edible boxers? :ermm:

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I wouldn't know.

On the flipside, has he succumbed to your advances a second thyme or are you still dancing about on your bare feet doing the ninja ting?

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Of coarse he succumbed! :happy:

So the whole thing was just a ruse to get you wet and gagging for bumsecks.

I have new found respect for STM&S dewd :smilie4:

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Originally Posted by manker

So the whole thing was just a ruse to get you wet and gagging for bumsecks.

I have new found respect for STM&S dewd :smilie4:

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Yes, he wasn't exactly shy about it this time. I have a feeling I've been diddled :ermm:

Can you please tell him that manker from the internets said; 'brofist'.

He'll know.

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Originally Posted by Squeamous

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Originally Posted by manker

So the whole thing was just a ruse to get you wet and gagging for bumsecks.

I have new found respect for STM&S dewd :smilie4:

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Yes, he wasn't exactly shy about it this time. I have a feeling I've been diddled :ermm:

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Ahhh, you can't beat a spot of diddling :happy:

The Barbster; master stroker of onanistic innuendo.

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Originally Posted by manker

Can you please tell him that manker from the internets said; 'brofist'.

He'll know.

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I have shown him this thread. He says to tell you 'brofist' back :unsure:

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Originally Posted by Squeamous

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Originally Posted by manker

Can you please tell him that manker from the internets said; 'brofist'.

He'll know.

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I have shown him this thread. He says to tell you 'brofist' back :unsure:

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bromantic beginnings :happy:

In related news, wtf are you doing showing real people this board.
They don't understand internets stuff and he'll probably make you stop sending me pics of your bewbs.

If my missus asks me what I'm doing, I tell her I'm looking at schoolgirl hentai. It's just less awkward.

Real people on teh board - It never EVER ends well :no:

Nobody from earl knows about this forum, like. (apart from the wench, obviousment)

I struggled to explain to my ma why some welsh poove sent me a shitload of malrboro lights tho'.

I won an ipod touch from nuts once, and also a book of pictures of things that look like cawks from b3ta.

One was easier to explain than the other :smilie4:

well a book full of cocks was probably expected of you:schnauz:

I had to complete a tie-breaker question...


"I love cock because..."


My answer - "I'm a cunt" :dry:

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Originally Posted by manker

bromantic beginnings :happy:

In related news, wtf are you doing showing real people this board.
They don't understand internets stuff and he'll probably make you stop sending me pics of your bewbs.

If my missus asks me what I'm doing, I tell her I'm looking at schoolgirl hentai. It's just less awkward.

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You leave him alone, you know too much! Anyway, he doesn't want to join: he's more of a lurker, hanging around in the periphery quietly waiting for any mention of him and looking through my posting history like a News of the World journalist and trying to throw me off the scent by calling me a bunny boiler (which as I told him is totally impossible because I checked his garden after we first met and I know he doesn't have a bunny).
Perhaps you're right though. With the next one I'll be more circumspect.
Hai Sweety! :wave:

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Originally Posted by Barbarossa

I had to complete a tie-breaker question...


"I love cock because..."


My answer - "I'm a cunt" :dry:

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I thought you were an asshole?

That would have worked too, probably

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Originally Posted by Barbarossa

That would have worked too, probably

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You'll always be both to me :hug:

I am dark, mysterious, and ever-so slightly damp :yes:

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Originally Posted by Proper Bo

Nobody from earl knows about this forum, like. (apart from the wench, obviousment)

I struggled to explain to my ma why some welsh poove sent me a shitload of malrboro lights tho'.

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I'd forgotten about that. I'm like the best internets friend evar - and the first thing you said to me when I came back was 'fucking hell, welshist. you still owe me a turkey t-shirt'

Did you tell her that malcolm was my pet name for you, btw :stuart:

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Originally Posted by Squeamous

You leave him alone, you know too much! Anyway, he doesn't want to join: he's more of a lurker, hanging around in the periphery quietly waiting for any mention of him and looking through my posting history like a News of the World journalist and trying to throw me off the scent by calling me a bunny boiler (which as I told him is totally impossible because I checked his garden after we first met and I know he doesn't have a bunny).
Perhaps you're right though. With the next one I'll be more circumspect.

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'With the next one' :lol:

You may as well get him to join now, the damage is already done.
He can educate us all in how to lay sex-traps for erudite but unsuspecting professional wiminz. I'm still in awe.

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Originally Posted by Squeamous

Hai Sweety! :wave:

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ohai there, shiny-robot-vixen :blushing:

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Originally Posted by manker

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Originally Posted by Proper Bo

Nobody from earl knows about this forum, like. (apart from the wench, obviousment)

I struggled to explain to my ma why some welsh poove sent me a shitload of malrboro lights tho'.

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I'd forgotten about that. I'm like the best internets friend evar - and the first thing you said to me when I came back was 'fucking hell, welshist. you still owe me a turkey t-shirt'

Did you tell her that malcolm was my pet name for you, btw :stuart:

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:stuart:

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Originally Posted by manker

'With the next one' :lol:

You may as well get him to join now, the damage is already done.
He can educate us all in how to lay sex-traps for erudite but unsuspecting professional wiminz. I'm still in awe.

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Originally Posted by Squeamous

Hai Sweety! :wave:

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ohai there, shiny-robot-vixen :blushing:

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Actually I was aiming that at him. My customary greeting you for you is a sexy handshake behind the nearest skip, remember? :wub:

I still refuse to accept that I was tricked. He seemed so innocent. Tricksy little whore :fist:

*gasp* I've just remembered, he SAID he was on the pill. I'm not ready to be a daddy yet.....!

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Originally Posted by Squeamous

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Originally Posted by manker

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Originally Posted by Squeamous

Hai Sweety!

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ohai there, shiny-robot-vixen :blushing:

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Actually I was aiming that at him.

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zomg i had no idea :naughty:

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Originally Posted by Squeamous

My customary greeting you for you is a sexy handshake behind the nearest skip, remember? :wub:

I still refuse to accept that I was tricked. He seemed so innocent. Tricksy little whore :fist:

*gasp* I've just remembered, he SAID he was on the pill. I'm not ready to be a daddy yet.....!

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That biological clock :no:

Don't worry, we'll devise some secret internet plan to get your revenge.
Expect it to include pegging.

Does lurker mean he's not very brights?

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Originally Posted by mjmacky

Does lurker mean he's not very brights?

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Well since the lurking seems to be a part of the overall ruse to lull poor gullible Squeamous into a false sense of security, before rogering her like a marine on leave, I would say that the lurker was rather bright to carry out said dastardly plan without a hitch.